FB makes it official..,

Today I am 11 weeks pregnant. My first Dr's appointment is next Monday. So I announced on fb that we are expecting. It help me shake the negative feelings that were still floating around in my head. From now on positivity. I have been feeling tired and sometimes nausea and not interested in food, boobs still hurt and my dreams ate crazy!!! Oh peeing  a lot still. So wanting Monday to come tomorrow!!! Till next time!!! Miracles do happen my new mantra!!!

I surrender

Today I am 7 weeks 2-3 days pregnant give or take. My symptoms are peeing  a lot and hunger. My breast soreness has faded the last two days. That has me very worried. I feel like I am drowning in my own negativity and I can't get out. I want to wave the white flag and surrender.  My mind is saying this pregnancy is doomed. This is not going to end happily ever after. I feel not pregnant especially without the breast soreness. I never get morning sickness not tired nothing. I just keep making milestones for myself so the next is make it to eight weeks. Sorry this post isn't all butterflys and rainbows. This is real pregnancy after multiple miscarriages. There is nothing glamorous about it quite frankly there are moments of desperation and pleading with God to please let this one come home. There is no run out and start baby buys. It is lets get through today. I want positive thoughts and at times I do. I have not spotted at all(hope I don't jinx myself). My breasts were hurting and that gave me reassurance. I need a life vest from this insanity. I just want to get through these next couple of weeks. I just want to bring my baby home. I am going to try very hard to be positive and surrender to positivity. I am waving the white flag!!!

fear

I have fears lots of them. I have a love hate relationship with my toilet happy that I am peeing all the time scared to see spotting. My boobs  are sore and I am  little nauseous. Hungry all the time not tired but more low energy. Doubts linger in the back of my mind dancing around honestly it is the first thing I think of when I open up my eyes in the morning subconsciously saying in my mind please don't   let there be any color on the tp!!

The longest I have been pregnant besides my two beautiful daughters is 18 days from the time I found out. Today is day 15. Friday can not come sooner. I think back and I am pretty sure that I started spotting with that 18 day pregnancy at day 14. I feel like even writing this I am jinxing myself but I need to get this out. I have not called to make an appt to me there is no need yet I am on the crinone and honestly no Dr is a match for mother nature and God. I am relishing  in this pregnancy well trying too!!! I would rather go in and get and  ultrasound when no guessing  game is involved. Meaning if I am measuring behind at say 8-9 weeks a baby needs to be there no maybe next week. To go in now would just be that cruel game I have played before and too many times before I have been sent yo jail and didn't collect my $200. I want to go in and hit free parking and for that I will wait. Patience is what I need to practice these next few weeks more than I have ever practiced patience before!!! Today I am pregnant!!!

Is this really happening

I am 5 weeks and couple days pregnant. There I said it. I am on vacation trying to relax sometimes I do others times I don't. I have panicked a couple of times when my boobs hurt less but today and last night they are killing me. I am taking the crinone and did have some orange peachy discharge from it. Feel a little more tired than usual and very hungry. I am lucky I am not one of those women who get morning sickness. Sometimes I am scared to go to the bathroom so sometimes I wipe and flush and not look. I just want to get to September and breathe a little easier. Short post girls are wanting breakfast.Back to vacation.

On the edge

I was thinking of a blog subject last friday and this is how I felt on the edge. The edge of giving up not knowing how much more I can handle. Teetering between the line of acceptance and the drive to push till our dream comes true. I started thinking of our marriage without a child of our own and was thinking it wouldn't be so bad. I sat on the edge of the cliff in my mind not knowing which side to chose. Well I didn't have yo make a choice God made it for me yesterday at 16dpo I got a bfp!!! I am overjoyed and just in awe of my body and God. I also think acupuncture had alot to do with this pregnancy and to that I am grateful to my acupuncturist. So no more taking temps or tests I am going to enjoy this pregnancy and take it day by day. This is lucky number 13. The number 13 is a lucky number for me contrary to what others think. My brother dies on fridsy may 13,1988 struck by lightning on his last day of college I was only 9 years old. My memories are few and I can not for the life of me remember his voice that bugs me. So when I was pregnant with Lily I was due on May 23 I just knew in my heart I would go near this date I kind of prayed to him that if I did I would know that    he holds me in his heart and  even though I had few memories and was young he was my big brother none the less. So she came into the world that day and turned a sad day in my family to a joyous day and that he was with us. So for this to be pregnancy 13 I just pray that my brother has some divine intervention and I bring this baby home. I have been praying since yesterday to God to please bless this baby and to thank him for this baby. I like to think he saw me at the edge and brought me to the side of our dream coming true. I have to wonder when I was so close yo giving up this has to be a miracle.

Wishes....

I had some many wishes on this poor little eyelash that I found waiting for my IUI. I was so hopeful I was at the top of the infertility roller coaster. Now I feel like I am stuck going through loops on the upside down roller coaster. The ups and downs do not get easier you quickly forget how much you get your hopes up at the beginning of a cycle just to have them plummet like a roller coaster. I have zero symptoms nada nothing. That feeling of another wasted IuI is churning  in my stomach sometimes it takes my breath away and puts a lump in my throat. I have prayed and wished till I was worn out. I have made more  bargains with God  than your local bargain basement. I have wondered if God is not giving me this child because I could of done better with my oldest. We deserve this my husband and I. When I pray to God sometimes I ask him to not do  this for me but at least my husband. He deserves this sometimes I think he wants it more than me no scratch that he wants this more than me. He is a loving kind hearted man who would rock as a dad he already does as a stepdad.Every time it  doesn't  work he says babe I lost  it today I absolutely lost it.  I beg God to show his mercy and bless my husband with a child. Other times I just find omens like an eyelash on my paper gown waiting to get inseminated  and wish with every fiber in my being to let this please work if not for me but for husband!!!! I hope our wish comes true and I get the hell of this roller coaster!!!!

daydreaming

I love road trips!!! I always daydream on them. When I was in a bad marriage I would daydream about being with my now husband and how much better life   would be!!! Dreams do come true. Now as I sit on this bus headed to DC with my oldest  baby on her 8th grade trip I am  daydreaming about BFP and me and Lenny with a baby added to our family. Which road in life my Rye will take. Sometimes I daydream of us camping with an added family member with a stroller parked along side a tent. I dream about my daughters being big  sisters and loving their baby brother/sister. Sometimes my dreams are just me  and Lenny   older traveling camping at Yosemite seeing the Grand Canyon the girls are grown up doing their own thing. Truthfully it hurts my heart when those dreams enter my mind. But I do find comfort that in the end baby or no baby I have my wonderful husband and my 2girls. Quite frankly life keeps moving even if your dreams are stuck in your head and never come to fruition. Thats why they are called dreams right? There is a chance they might come true thats why we keep dreaming.....

change of heart

Literally change of heart!!! My uncle who is like a dad to me since my dad passes away received a new heart on thursday morning!!! It is unreal what science today can do!!!! He was up and took a little walk last night!!! I am exhausted though but all worth it. My sister is away since wed on conference so me and hubby have been holding down the fort. My niece has been staying with my nan taking care of her and keeping her company. Thank god I am not on a monitored cycle this month God works jn mysterious ways!!! Feeling grateful to the donor family for giving this gift!!!!  Two thumbs up from Uncle Tim!!! This was right after he came out of the OR!!!

benched

So I am benched this cycle!! Had car trouble and timing wasn't able to make it to RE. So I am drug free this cycle which I think is good I have been  on meds since   September. So we are just going to relax this cycle well at least try too!!!

Today is also my daughters 10 year old bday it saddens me that she is in double digits that she is getting biggerit really   saddens my heart. 25 years ago today my brother passed away at the tender age of 21 on his last day of college. There was no crime no car accident just mother nature he was struck and killed by lightning. So today is bittersweet. Tomorrow is my dad's birthday and then two days after that is the anniversary of his death. This is the week that is an emotional roller coaster for me. Just trying to take deep breaths and letting the tears flow....  

Heaven

My mom told me when I was a young girl that babies souls come from heaven. That they are up there with all of our loved ones that have already gone to heaven. I believe this, it is a comforting thought. That my precious baby/babies are up there with my dad,brother, and Lenny's dad and many others. That my dad is maybe waiting for the perfect timing to let this soul come to me and Lenny. Timing is everything. Everything happens for a reason wether we like it or not. I take comfort in thinking that the reason I am not pregnant yet has nothing to do with science, eggs,sperm,timing or anything else scientific for that matter. I would rather take solace that my baby's soul is getting molded and loved from up above that my dad just might be having a hard time letting it go that maybe he knows more than me and right now is just not time. So if I get that bfn this cycle I will try not to cry but take comfort in that my dad is holding to a piece of me and a beautiful soul a little bit longer.

Lazy couch potato

Lazy weekend was anxious for dr appt on monday!!! the appt went good cd11 lining 7 two follies 18 and 16??? emEstrogen an 84 so you know what I did started googling the hell out of that. Me and my girls netflix all day saturday while Lenny worked till after midnight!!! Then Sunday me and Lenny relaxed watched greys anatomy girls were in and out all day and I enjoyed some peanut m&m and root beer water ice!!! Try to get motivated to go for a run but couldn't I really need to loae weight but have zero motivation!!! Going to try tomorrow for a run. My best friend is in labor right now and I am so excited . So just another day at work till next time . Oh I lit candles for all my fellow girls going through infertility and for those who just got their bfp!!!

back on the saddle again

Monday went for baseline told dr my concerns about ovulating before iui and that my follie was to big. He listened called me back when my bloodwork came in told me to start femara yesterday for days 5-9 and come in on cd11. I am hoping that I am ready for trigger on min because I am off on wednesday!! That would be awesome!!! So fx for this cycle. oh and I have been saying a prayer to st Gerard and st Gianna. Hopefully that helps!!!! Went for a walk with my best friend who is due in 2weeks hoping to start her labor nothing!!!! Enjoy the weather ladies

IuI fail

Af arrived on the day I was due from my miscarriage in August... I have this poem that I love by Iyanla Vanzant

Yesterday I Cried
I came home, went straight to my room,
sat on the edge of my bed,
kicked off my shoes,
unhooked my bra,
and I had myself a good cry.

I'm telling you,
I cried until my nose was running all over
the silk blouse I got on sale.
I cried until my ears were hot.
I cried until my head was hurting so bad
that I could hardly see the pile of
soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.

I want you to understand,
I had myself a really good cry yesterday.

Yesterday, I cried,
for all the days that I was too busy,
or too tired,
or too mad to cry.

I cried for all the days, and all the ways,
and all the times I had dishonored,
disrespected, and
disconnected my Self from myself,
only to have it reflected back to me
in the ways others did to me
the same things I had already done to myself.

I cried for all the things I had given,
only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that
had yet to show up;
for all the things I had accomplished,
only to give them away,
to people in circumstances,
which left me feeling empty,
and battered and plain old used.

I cried because there really does
come a time when the only thing left
for you to do is cry.

Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because little boys get
left by their daddies;
and little girls get forgotten by their mommies;
and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave;
and mommies get left, so they get mad.

I cried because I had a little boy,
and because I was a little girl,
and because I was a mommy
who didn't know what to do,
and because I wanted my daddy to be there
for me so badly until I ached.

Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because I hurt.
I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go
except deeper into the pain that
caused it in the first place,
and when it gets there,
the hurt wakes you up.

I cried because it was too late.
I cried because it was time.

I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know
that my soul knew everything I needed to know.

I cried a soulful cry yesterday,
and it felt so good.

It felt so very, very bad.

In the midst of my crying,
I felt my freedom coming,
Because Yesterday,
I cried with an agenda.
(unknown)

blah

So I tested this morning and BFN... shocked no,upset no,disappointed,no crying nothing. I think I knew it was going to be a good outcome at my follicle scan from everything I read 25 mm is just to big and that was on thursday so who know what size it was on sat and the other follicle too small. So maybe they will bring me in earlier next time. Also had some spotting in the tp this morning??!!! Just feeling blah today..,

flat tire,drag queens,iui oh my....

The weekend started out with anxiety. It started out with my follie check on Thursday which right 25 and left 13 and my trigger shot not being dropped off because it needed a signature even though I emailed the pharmacy no signature needed!! Also had to go up to Re to get wash fir hubby men thank God FedEx was on the way. We made the best of it and hubby was coming down with a nasty virus fever and all great timing right???? So he did the injection around 8 and the next day in afternoon boy did I feel the pain!!! So Friday night I agreed weeks ago to go out with an old friend for his bday that me and my hubby grew up with a close dear friend that we recently connected with. So downtown we went yo a gay bar full of drag queens it was fun unusual and interesting to say the least .
So we left early around 11 both anxious about the following morning. I did have fun but really was detached there on friday night I had so much anxiety about the procedure but about hubbys sperm count he has never had one before. So were are in the highway and we get a flat and all I can think about is how am I going to get to iui tomorrow??? Wtf thankfully hubby got the donut in but I was terrified to drive on a donut so far as I had too. So I woke up at 4am took solution out of the frig and then hubby woke up an hour later and did his duty. He brought his men and tmi when you see it in a cup well at least me you're like this is it??? So I started panicking there is not going to be enough so I stuck it in my bra and went forth to the iui all the way there desperately wanting my hubby by my side. So guess what happens next? Get there take the men out of my bra and some leaked!!Right there I wanted to throw in the towel and cancel. So sign in and wait, finally get into the back after an hour of waiting expecting to hear bad news and guess what my hubby has super sperm .3.6 ml 80 mill and 95% motility after wash!!!whew!!!!!!So the procedure itself was like 30 seconds!!! Went home got my fav pizza and took long nap!!! Now its the waiting game:((

heaviness......

I am 6dpiui and feel nothing nada zilch zip!!!! i keep having these these thoughts that it didn't work and I don't want to have these thoughts, they invade my mind and I can't shake them. I want to be positive I would give anything to be that girl saying to herself I know this worked!!! But i am not instead I am doubtful this will ever work I am sorry i can not picture myself pregnant again and making my husband a father. These feelings dominant me, they are like ivy crawling and sticking to me and as much as you pull the vines off they grow back 2fold!!! I try to say to myself it will happen then a voice inside me laughs stupid girl hahaha she thinks she is going to have another baby!!!! I want to cry a lot these days but I don't I feel the tears in my throat but nothing comes out. I feel a heaviness on my chest and I wish it would go away. I feel despair,anguish,sorrow,disappointment and pain. I feel like this is a pain that no one feels but me to be pregnant 7 times with chemical pregnancy's since 2010 not counting the three miscarriages before this time who does that happen too? This girl. Every time I have seen those two lines and say to myself this is going to be it no way God would do this to me again and again it happens.  Tonight when I get off work I am going to have a good cry in the shower and hopefully relieve the heaviness from my chest  in the words of Iyanla Vanzant

Today, I cried.

I came home, went straight to my room,

sat on the edge of my bed,

kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra,

and I had myself a good cry.” ― Iyanla Vanzant, Yesterday, I Cried

all eggs in one basket(well one follicle)

I went to the RE this morning fearing bad news. I went in had my blood drawn and ultrasound which showed a lining of 11 and follicle on left 13 and follicle on right 25!!! Holy crap!!! I left the RE with a big smile on my face and nervousness in my belly. I want this to work I need this to work. I drove my husband car their and popped in a random cd and it had our wedding song on it, Shania Twain and Lionel Richie Endless Love this is so about what me and my husband are. Together as young teenagers separated for a decade and reunited to make a family of our own.

If anyone deserves this it;s my husband who beside my father is the greatest man I have ever known. He is the best dad to my children and has the biggest heart and is full of love. His love for me is endless. He wants this so bad sometimes I think more than me!!! He will be a great dad and to know the joy he will get to raise a child of his own from birth its makes my heart flutter.
                                                                   Then circa 1996

                                                             Now
Now my RE office just called and they have scheduled me for an IUI???? Excuse me pardon me come again. Was totally taken aback by this and my husband has work on Saturday so I have to drive back up to the RE office and pick up solution to keep his men alive!!!! That sucks and i  have to get up an hour earlier then he has to be up to get the solution to room temperature!!!! I hate that I have to go alone but there is no other choice. Now I feel like this HAS to work!! Putting all my dreams,hopes,egg,follicles in this basket!!!!

sunny days ahead

So it was sunny here for the first time!!! The time of day it got sunny was around 3 in the afternoon this reminds me of my dad who would of raced out of work to get a couple rounds of golf in on the first sunny day. I miss my dad I always miss him this time of year. Its been 13 years this May that he has passed and it still hurts as it was yesterday!! My dad was awesome!!!
I am getting nervous about my appt with my RE tomorrow worried that the femara didn't work. Worried that we will have to try injectables just plain old worried. Sunny days bring new things new life and I am ready for that. I want to relish in memories of my Dad and think of the new things to come. Goid things they have to be on their way right?

patio furniture or baby hmmm

Ok so went to new RE liked him a lot and so did my hubby. My hubby took off work and came with me today. So I have had a gut feeling that something besides my translocation is going on and guess what so did my RE!!! He feels with my spotting and light periods clomid is not doing the job correctly so he prescribed femara and ovidrel. So everything went well on that end now onto insurance. So I was getting ready to pay my nice little copay if 35 when she said that will be 335.00 for today I nearly fell on the floor. My insurance is making me pay deductible to the tune of 500.00 and then they cover 80% and We are responsible for 20% on top of copay and that this visit is the most expensive!!! So I have rounded out that like 90 every time I need ultrasound and so on. If I just need blood I will get it done at my hospital because its free. I am glad we can do this but by no means are we rich I have major brace work to pay for this month and braces will be paid off by august!!! The patio furniture I wanted is no go and the top kitchen cabinets might take a little longer to get!! but I will take a baby over patio furniture!!!

sick...

Started with dry scratchy throat on monday and turned into body aches and fever tuesday!! Called out of work wed and today. Started taking HPT on dollar tree on tuesday. See there is a slight problem FF had my ovulation day on min and I over rode it and put it to Sunday so I am either 10/11 dpo and dollar tree gave me damn evap lines!!! So my temp dipped yesterday and shot back up today and on top if that spotting!!! Hello wtf!! I want to scream I do not feel pregnant at all everytime I have been my boobs hurt my af according to my luteal phase of 14 days is due on monday. We fid everything right took clomid bd all the right days!!! Why am I spotting on 11dpo again like last month?? Or I am 10 dpo and its implantation bleeding but who am I kidding I am not that lucky!!! Oh and I still feel like crap!!! feeling down and out:(

charting sucks

So it's Sunday and I am at work with a Benadryl hangover:( So friday night I got a Positive OPK!!! We bd thurs, fri, sat phew!!!! But something happened this morning my temp went up yesterday but down this morning?!! WTF!!! So we will have to see what the next days bring!!! Ughh hate this!!!

busy bee

Well this past weekend was fun filled and labor intensive!!! On Friday night me and hubby chaperoned Valentine's dance!! Was a lot of fun good amount of kids turned out!!! Then Saturday had to take my girls down to the Basilica of St Peter and Paul so they get make all of their sacraments on Easter Vigil mass. Hubby couldn't make it he had to work. So that was a long day and mass!! Came hone ordered some pizza and vegged out knowing tomorrow was going to be busy. On sunday we laid a subfloor down in the kitchen and my body is still hurting!!! Then I am usually off on Mondays and had to work and all I wanted was to lay in bed sll day. So here I am on my day off running errands for the PTA .
On TTC waiting to ovulate will probably start taking opk tomorrow I don't expect to ovulate until end of the week.

Restlestness

That is what happened to me last night I could not fall asleep. Nothing particular was keeping me from dreamy land but as the time ticked by so did my thoughts they were actually all good thooughts. Baby names actually were popping in my head!!! I had a great day yesterday I voluntered at my girls school and afterwards went to thrift store and picked up some great buys for my best friend who is due in  April some cute little boy outifts and even ran them over to her house to show her right afterwards. I then came home counted box tops  and relaxed with my girls playing walking dead on ps3 awesome game I might say!!!! 
 Now onto my cycle well just as I predicted this cycle was a bust. I started spotting on saturday night at 11dpo!!! That is so not like me I always spot the day before af then she comes. I have been spotting on and off since then and tomorrow will probably full flow. I did test and it was a big fat negative but I actually was glad it was stark white!! No guessing and hoping and clutching at straws no bargaiing with God that I will stop curisng and go to church more. It was refreshing to get the BFN, I know crazy. Onto the next cyle as my other ttcer's would say forge ahead. I will do clomid again this month and try try try. That's all we can do right? Try
Here are the clothes I got for my bestie!!

let it snow

So we got a dusting of snow last night and it was nice. At least if it's going to be this cold there should be snow!!! Made some homemade chocolate chip cookies yummy!!! oh almost forgot positive opk!!! Also I wish I could hibernate all winter I hate the cold!!! Here are some pics of the snow and Lily dancing in it!!!

lazy

Lazy that's how I have been feeling. I tried to upload pics but for some reason its not letting me. I have been busy with Lily's cheer comp yesterday there all day till 8 at night. I  give it up to my wonderful Hubby who worked Saturday and came to comp so he also had a long day!!!! I am on the PPA aka PTA for my girls school so I am in volunteering to help with school dance so I bought some decorations this weekend wish I could show you but it won't let me upload!!!! Also kind of became treasurer so I have to open a bank account for the PPA which I will have to do on Tuesday my day off along with changing out the box top board and lunch mom. Also order the photo cards online and get more items this weekend for dance like plates,napkins and wrapping paper or table cover to use as background for pictures. Phewww. I am actually glad I have all this stuff to keep me busy I really am I have no idea what cd I am on I think like 14/15 took opk on Friday was negative didn't take one yesterday going to take one after I am done blogging. I have had bad headaches this cycle from the clomid which have sucked went to bed early last night which I don't like to do on Saturday nights especially when Lily is here it's our family time and being silly. Kids are off tomorrow I have work from 7a-1 got someone to pick up the rest of my shift since the girls are off. Oh also ordered a trophy for box tops winner for girls school whichever class wins gets the trophy for that month and then it gets passed onto the next class who wins. Also ordered my sock partner her socks hope she likes them. Busy week ahead orthodontist appt for Rye, going to try to get into the eye dr for Lily tomorrow or Tuesday and maybe me and hubby by  the end of the week. Calgon take me away. So I am soaking up vegetating on the couch today and loving every second and wishing I could do this for a couple more days. I actually could hibernate all winter I dislike winter don't like going out in the cold. I despise it so much that my one gf texted me yesterday for me to come over today and I told her text me today when she wants me to come over and she didn't text  me and I was happy that she didn't!!!! Okay headache is creeping back this sucks!! Hope everyone had a great weekend!!!!

back to back

So Saturday morning I literally woke up crying. I was having a dream my dad was in it so I guess that's why I was crying. So I jumped out of bed and went to the bathroom and there was bright red blood. I lost it my dh was at work and I just cried. I kept thinking no way God would let this happen for the seventh time and back to back. Why isn't it our turn yet? I will be honest my faith is a little shaken. My dh was as devastated as me and grasping for straws he even say maybe the baby is snuggling in. But we both knew it was over again before it really began. So we forge ahead onto the next cycle. I think am going to take the Clomid this month and call the 'RE in Feb or March depending.
 So the weekend was eventful we had family game night on Friday night and Saturday me and Lily laid around and watched Netflix. Dh came home from work vomiting so he was in bed till Sunday. Then went to my Nan' s for Sunday dinner Lily went swimming and her eyes were hurting from chlorine so we left and went home and then she started vomiting. Now I have dh and Lily home sick today. I am going to make a more conscious effort to be positive even when all I have our doubts.

holding my breath

So my dh insisted I poas the other night so I did. After just going to the bathroom an hour before and drinking 32 ounces that day I did. To my surprise there were two lines the one was the there wasn't as dark as I wanted but there. So I am out of my limbo safe haven and into the holding my breath and hoping and praying this is our take home baby. The same thing happened to us on the same   exact dates two years back I made it to the 12  and the same dates in August made it to the 13. I am very conflicted  on how to feel on one hand I feel this is it, my boobs hurt more than they did the other 6 Times. I have been praying a couple of different prayers throughout the day. I have had slight cramps like two times maybe. Just feel like this is it we are pregnant!!  Then I feel my boobs don't hurt as much as they did yesterday I am not tired like everyone says they are. I ovulated late and so on. I guess I am scared to lose it. I am scared if I go on like yes I am pregnant and nothing is going to happen and something does I will completely and utterly lose it.I have decided as of  today right now I am putting my faith in God and trusting that this pregnancy will be great and we will have our take hone baby. I prayed numerous times yesterday different prayers . I prayed to my dad and my brother. I just prayed. So today I am pregnant and overjoyed that I am. Today I stop holding my breath but instead take a deep breath and thank  God for the gift of this baby he has given me and a third chance of being a mother.

Limbo.....

This is where I am in limbo. I put myself here and I actually kinda like it. It feels comforting like how I feel when I rest my head in that nook of  my husband' s chest. I am late for af. How many days late now  that' s a great question. According to fertility friend I am due for af tomorrow because it pushed back my cycle due to chemical last month. So if I go off of my regular cycles I was due for af Fri or sat. I started spotting on Thursday and thought hey I am going to get af tomorrow and the same thing happened the next day just  spotting and nada since then. Then all of a sudden my boobs started hurting and my boobs only hurt when I am pregnant. Oh and did I forget to mention that I do not know when I ovulated. I never got a positive opk and stopped taking them on cd 18. So you see my dilemma. Thursday and Friday could of been implantation spotting. I did POAS on Friday bfn.
 Confession I was secretly hoping I was pregnant after my boobs stared hurting it has only been a few days of them hurting but I was hoping. Then my  mind started being really mean and I then kept thinking this is exactly what happened in August actually same dates too!! Took a week of being late and then mc 10 days later. So I was still trying to be positive last night a smell in my  house got me nauseous and my boobs felt so sore. Then today I woke up in middle of the night and they didn't hurt that bad and didn't hurt that bad this morning. They do not hurt now either maybe my hormones leveled off  for the day?? I hope my boobs hurt tomorrow and if they don't I know af is on her way. I am not testing till maybe Fri and I am taking a digital test so I don't interpret the lines as not dark enough and so on.
Why does this keep happening I mean I know why it's just so unfair. This will be the 7th time. At which number will it be my take home baby??? When will it be our turn???