Wishes....

I had some many wishes on this poor little eyelash that I found waiting for my IUI. I was so hopeful I was at the top of the infertility roller coaster. Now I feel like I am stuck going through loops on the upside down roller coaster. The ups and downs do not get easier you quickly forget how much you get your hopes up at the beginning of a cycle just to have them plummet like a roller coaster. I have zero symptoms nada nothing. That feeling of another wasted IuI is churning  in my stomach sometimes it takes my breath away and puts a lump in my throat. I have prayed and wished till I was worn out. I have made more  bargains with God  than your local bargain basement. I have wondered if God is not giving me this child because I could of done better with my oldest. We deserve this my husband and I. When I pray to God sometimes I ask him to not do  this for me but at least my husband. He deserves this sometimes I think he wants it more than me no scratch that he wants this more than me. He is a loving kind hearted man who would rock as a dad he already does as a stepdad.Every time it  doesn't  work he says babe I lost  it today I absolutely lost it.  I beg God to show his mercy and bless my husband with a child. Other times I just find omens like an eyelash on my paper gown waiting to get inseminated  and wish with every fiber in my being to let this please work if not for me but for husband!!!! I hope our wish comes true and I get the hell of this roller coaster!!!!