I survived

My first week back at work. Now I do not work a regular 9-5 I work in an Emergency Room in an inner city. So my schedule consist of 2-12hour shifts and 2-8 hour shifts and every third weekend. There are days I am off during the week which is nice. So my first week back I only did 2-8 hour shifts. My first day I was so high strung and anxious that I forgot pieces to my breastpump that thank God my MIL brought to me at work. Pumping isn't bad they have an old office to use with a computer so I get a nice 15 minutes to relax and I usually watch youtube videos. Now when it came time to do my first 12 hour shift I wanted to cry and almost did I missed my Leah so much. Now what I wasn't prepared for was all the bags I have to luge to work everyday and prepping meals and how much earlier I have to wale up. See before I was more of a get up like an hour before I am due in at work not worry about dinner till I get home. The good thing is how much less money I am spending at  work by preparing a weekly meal plan and packing my lunch.

So my heart still hurts and I miss her but it is what it is and we are all adapting to this new routine. Lenny's first time being with Leah solo was this weekend and they did good together. She was restless and missed her mommy though. He said he gained a new appreciation of what it is to be home with her. She would not take a long nap and just took cat naps so he was exhausted when I got home from work and I worked a 12 hour shift that day!!!!

 The weekend of Father's day we got photos taken  of me,Lenny and the baby. Our photographer told us to wait till her 6 month photo shoot to do Lily and Rye with her if we did it now she would look like a sack of potatoes on the picture.  We went to a mansion on the river it was beautiful. It was a nice Father's day gift for my husband we got a lot of great shoots of us here are some

tick tock

Tick tock goes the clock of my maternity leave coming to an end. We literally just got into a routine and bam now we have to get into another one. The anxious feeling that is stuck in my chest and throat  is sometimes no honestly it is overwhelming. She will be in great hands of my awesome loving mother in law who is like a mother to me. I want to be there. I love being at home yes sometimes it's a little mundane but it's awesome. I love nursing her through out the day and how she now looks up at me. Love her giggles and laughs. Love being here constantly for my girls. Love not looking on a calendar and trying to balance. I have been holding her closer lately not wanting to let go. When I think of leaving  tears fill up my eyes and my heart aches.
   I do no want to miss any moments I want to be there for everything. From Leah  rolling over  to award ceremonies at school. All moms want to be there for everything. When we miss something it makes us feel awful. Like this morning when Lily informed me that her end of the year award ceremony is Thursday but I can't go because I have work and needed to have my day off on Friday because   my MIL can not watch the baby that day. Then I remembered that I am running a uniform sale at school that afternoon and do not have a sitter then remembered I have a teenager living here somewhere so she can watch Leah for a few hours. These are the things that make you want to just stay at home and not go back to work. I constantly hear from other working moms it would be so much easier to stay at home. It just really sucks when you can't plain and simple it sucks.
   So I googled about not wanting to go back to work and all I got was crap like if you turn off cable you can stay at home. Like really if all we had to do was clip so damn coupons and shut off cable to be able to stay at home I would be a clipping maniac but that's not how it really works bottom line. Also article after article kept saying live simple and you can stay at home. Well honey we already live simple. If we live any simpler we will be little house on the prairie!!! I did read an article on how hard it is to get back in the work force though when one wants to go back. So I took in account that I carry the benefits for my family, our needs and wants. Kids just get more expensive as they get older Lily is going to need braces next year $$$ and if she goes to a catholic high school which is where she probably will attend our public school system here is scary that costs money. Mariah  has college in three years and so on. Also we like to camp and take vacations. Lily has sports and other activities that cost money. We need a bigger car but we will not get a car payment though. I have also been at my job for 9 years it is flexible. My husband and I do make decent money but I could not consciously take away half our income. Working part time I couldn't do either because of the health benefits I carry for our family. So it's off  to work I go.  My husband reminded me that we are working to give our kids the best that we can give they them. That they have the opportunities we did not have. Now I am not slamming SAHM or people who chose to live without in order to stay at home it works for them. I wish it could be that easy for my family but it's not. Money isn't everything believe me I know I am a simple person and  know from my own experiences that I would rather have someones time and love than money. I wish I could stay at home and find money for braces, tuition, softball, camps, classes,co pays,electric bill,mortgage and so on. I would love to stay at home for every moment but I can't. My other girls survived and they still do hate when I work so parents no it does not get any better. My 15 year old still asks when I have work and when it's my long day she sighs. I just like to think I am setting  a good example and try to make up for lost moments by being the PTA president and running around like a crazy person through the school year, making cupcakes at 9pm, making their favorite dinners, and so much more. Maybe this time around I will really appreciate the time I do  have with Leah because honestly I did not appreciate it both times before. I was in different places those times in my life and right now I am in the best place I have ever been in my life I am married to a wonderful man who is my best friend and I have a partner this time I am not doing this alone so it's awesome. I can honestly enjoy my baby this time so that is what I think makes me want to stay home this time. I was able to stay home with Lily till she was nine months but it was stressful I was broke and dealing with an alcoholic husband at the time. It was just awful so I wasn't able to really enjoy it.  What I am trying to do is to be engaged meaning no more cell phone when they are home from school and just living in the moment because at the end of the day that's are we are all guaranteed that moment at that time. So relish in it, breathe it in and soak it up.

***I will let you all know how I made out going back to work in my next post****

motherless



As mother day passed us by I scoured the Internet to relate to women who are motherless but their moms are still alive. I couldn't find a post or blog. Am I the only one out there?? I can't be can I?
I had a great mother when I was a child a regular suzy homemaker. Seriously she ran her own sewing business from wedding gowns to cabbage patch clothes. She baked cookies every Tuesday. Walked me too dance class, shopping and to the beauty salon. She sung funny songs like on top of spaghetti. She was wonderful and I wanted to be her. Now my household was not the I love you kiss hug house but you knew you were loved. Well most of the time. Tragedy struck my brother the oldest died in a freak lightning accident on the last day of college his senior year at the tender age of 21. I lost my mother that day. I didn't know it at the time but she was gone. She stopped loving that day. Now we still had some fun times went on family vacations and so on. The relationship that was developing between me and mother didn't grow. Somewhere a 9 year old girl is waiting on a relationship with a mother that will never be. Sadness filled my mothers heart simply there is no love to give out. My dreams of having a mother that would be there for me with loving arms just died.There was no guidance from her as a teenager and thank god I didn't turn out that bad. There was never I love you when you said goodbye on the phone. Which I thought was normal until I encountered my friends saying it to their parents. There are no shopping trips or dinner dates with my mom. She can't be bothered. 80% of the time she is a no show on holidays.  What I really set myself up for was how I thought when I had children I would get Suzy back and I did for a short time. What saddens my heart is how my girls have missed out on a grandmother. There are no movie dates, hang out dates, nothing. She has never came to any of my girls sports,religious or school functions. She has seen Leah maybe 3 times. I could easily go without speaking to her for months. Now my mother will buy us anything. While I was in the hospital she got my house organized from top to bottom bought the baby everything from the crib to stroller. I did not ask she insisted and I am very grateful and thankful. But I could have nought these things myself. I would rather of bought everything myself and have a mom who wants to hang out and spend time with me and her grand kids. I grieve for my mom I had when I was a young child I miss her terribly. To be parentless at a young age is devastating. I just wish I had a mom who was interested in my life. I wish I had a mom I could have coffee and bullshit with. Not one who rushes you out of the house 20 minutes after you got there.  I love my mom she would do anything for me what I mean in this post is that I just wish things were different and when you have a dream that something is going to turn out one way and it doesn't its hard that's all. I know she buried a child and there is no greater pain than that but she had 3 other children who needed her as well. I am trying to accept this is who she is and I think I have but it doesn't make it hurt any less. Like I tried to call her today she wouldnt answer just texted me one
word text. I try I really do true. I give up this is how it is. I just miss my mom that I used to bake cookies with and all that other stuff.
  Thank god for my mother in law. She was there everyday in the NICU. She sees the baby numerous times throughout the week and calls to check on us everyday. We talk like best friends. We compare store sales, complain about our husbands the kids, and just shoot the shit.  She is an awesome mother in law and I wish everyone could have a mother in law like her. I think God put her in my life for me to have the mom I wanted and needed. I am thankful for her everyday. For everyone out there who has the great mom thank her hug her text her email her call her you are very lucky.
 What I have learned is that I am different I always make sure I tell my girls I love them. I go to every event up until recently with the baby and all but I only missed like 2 softball games. I volunteer at school and am always checking up on them. Like my oldest says your like tattooed to me. I make their favorite dinners we sit and talk and watch our favorite tv shows.  I vowed to myself a long time ago if the only thing that comes out of this is the I realize how important it is to have a loving relationship with your children. Sometimes it does not come easy but all you can do is try your best and work on it. Just to be present everyday and love your children with all you have is all kids want their mom to do. So always give hugs and kisses goodnight. I even have to remind myself of that because as they get older those kind of things get put to the wayside. So now reflecting on this I will try harder to be present in the moment and give all my girls more kisses and hugs because no matter what age they all need it.