back to back

So Saturday morning I literally woke up crying. I was having a dream my dad was in it so I guess that's why I was crying. So I jumped out of bed and went to the bathroom and there was bright red blood. I lost it my dh was at work and I just cried. I kept thinking no way God would let this happen for the seventh time and back to back. Why isn't it our turn yet? I will be honest my faith is a little shaken. My dh was as devastated as me and grasping for straws he even say maybe the baby is snuggling in. But we both knew it was over again before it really began. So we forge ahead onto the next cycle. I think am going to take the Clomid this month and call the 'RE in Feb or March depending.
 So the weekend was eventful we had family game night on Friday night and Saturday me and Lily laid around and watched Netflix. Dh came home from work vomiting so he was in bed till Sunday. Then went to my Nan' s for Sunday dinner Lily went swimming and her eyes were hurting from chlorine so we left and went home and then she started vomiting. Now I have dh and Lily home sick today. I am going to make a more conscious effort to be positive even when all I have our doubts.

If you fail brush yourself off and try again

That is how I feel. I got pregnant this cycle but unfortunately it was another chemical pregnancy. My hpt never got dark and I had a gut feeling from the beginning. Here is a pic

So the top one from Thanksgiving morning and bottom two days before my beta was 34. I knew they should of been darker but my boobs were killing me so I had some hope.I was also on progesterone. That usually does not give me side effects but I think it did this time around but I am glad to know you will still miscarry on progesterone. So I started the downward spiral of spotting on Saturday. Had some cramps on Monday morning but it still is  like a spotting light flow, my temp is slowly dropping so I think AF will be in full force tomorrow. I really didn't get upset this time because I kind of had that feeling from the beginning. I am taking a break from clomid  this month so I can double my prescription next month which means I will take 100mg of clomid in January. I am hoping that a good egg comes forward. Impatiently waiting.... tick tick tick.....
Will it ever happen my gut says no but I will try. Maybe seeing the RE after the holidays we can use injectables so I can produce more eggs I don't know. I want this so bad for me and my husband. I want to have that great experience of being pregnant and raising a child with a great guy. Yes, I have two dd but my experiences while pregnant and raising them was lets just say far from what I imagined or wanted. I was basically alone both times and even though married but utterly alone. It was not the happy experience I deserved and dreamed about. I would have that with my husband he is the love of my life best friend and I want to give him this precious gift of a child of his own. I want him to experience the love that a baby brings into your life. I want him to feel completed.  This brings me back to when I had my last daughter, I remember holding her in my arms and saying I want to do this again, kind of like a feeling of knowing my destiny of having more children was not complete with her. I just want to have a baby that's all. To much to ask for???