Life gets crazy

Just noticed it has been 2 years since my last post. Wow!!! Life gets busy what can I say. Leah is now 3 we totally weaned from breastfeeding the month she turned 3. Lily is about to graduate 8th grade. Mariah is trying to find herself and she has a job. My husband has a new job that he likes that is closer to home with no traffic so he is happy!!! Me I am just trying to stay afloat with everyone's schedules and being a mom wife etc!!! Life throws you curve balls and it seems when they do I have the itch to write so let me scratch that itch now. One of my dearest oldest best friends passed away from a septic embolism that went from her heart to her brain. She was that friend that you could always count on when things got rough to give you a pep talk. She was there for me when I got pregnant at 19 and many times after that. She was my person!!! Through the years we always kept in touch we might not of talked everyday but if we had a crisis or needed that someone she was always a phone call away. She was larger than life one of a kind and my heart has been heavy since she passed. It has rekindled old friendships for me that I treasure and for that I am grateful. I still can't believe she is gone there was a video someone posted and I couldn't muster the courage to watch it. She literally was the person I called for extreme crisis!! She is the friend you show up to at 3 in the morning wearing all black with a shovel and she would say give me 5 minutes to get my shoes on!!! She saved my ass so many times in my younger years. I will truly miss her. She taught me what a true friend was.

It also didn't help that at this time my friend was dying i was suffering my 11th miscarriage, I honestly didn't have the energy to think about it. I was on the other hand happy that I was able to get pregnant. The month of May brings so many emotions my brother and dads passing mothers day so many emotions. I have felt quiet overwhelmed honestly lately and feel not myself. i have been snappy and feeling on edge and just tired. It's the season I am in I guess with all 3 girls and their schedules and managing a house from cleaning to meal planning to couponing to trying to keep everyone fed and alive while working 40 hours. I think the last 3 years of sleep deprivation has finally caught up to me. My husband is my partner and without him i would be truly lost he picks up where I am lacking he is the taxi of our house and he even accompanies me on my food shopping trips with coupons in toe. I think the reason I am feeling this way is because of my dear friend passing and the month of May. Each year I miss my dad more and more especially that my mom is very absent in my life I know he wouldn't of been absent in our lives and that makes my heart hurt. We are still open to ttc my heart still feels incomplete so I do wish for just 1 more and hopefully God will bless us with one more. How I would love Leah to have a sibling in her age range and I am not getting any younger. So onto the next cycle.

Rainbow and Sunshine

Sorry I haven't posted. Life gets crazy. I will be posting weekly from now on pinky promise.
So Leah Analyse came into this world on March 19, 2014 at 8:38 am via c-section. She weighed 6lb 8oz and 19 inches long. The c-section experince was weird from my vaginal deliveries. I prefer vaginal if any has that question. The recovery from a c-section is much harder for me than my vaginal recovieries. So Leah was born on the day I turned 37 weeks due to a placenta previa.  She had some trouble breathing and was rushed to the NICU. There she ended on the si-pap machine which forces air into your lungs. She later developed   a pnuemothorax (hole on her lung) from breathing so hard that she had to get a chest tube. I was able to hold for a few minutes after my c-section thanks to  great nurses who hospital bed and all wheeled me into the NICU!!! I pumped while in the hospital and had to get out of bed to see her the days after she was born.Oh God they were the hardest physically and mentally. It was such a surreal experience. I felt robbed of the experience I had dreamed of and thought I was going to have. There were no pics of me and hubby  with the  baby or other family members. The girls were not even allowed in the NICU. Sad that a month to the day after she was born on Easter I said to my husband we don't have a`picture of us together.So Easter was our first pic together We still have to get one of us with Mariah and Lil. We said no to visitors except immediate family. I wasn't able to hold her for 2 days. That was the hardest.  We just had to sit there and stare at her in her isolate. What was heartbreaking for me is that I had to watch someone else take care of her. I didn't change her first diaper, I didn't give her, her first feeding. On the the third day or so I was able to hold her and change her diaper. A couple days after that I was able to finally breastfeed her and she did like she was born too and I was so thankful. That was my biggest worry having a c-section I wanted to have skin to skin immediately and nurse immediately. God if I only knew what was to happen.So I was up and out of bed way before I was ready too but there was no other choice.  I feel like having to get out of bed helped me recover so quickly. Having a baby in the NICU is hard emotionally and physically. I had her on Wednesday and was discharged on Sunday. Leaving the hospital without your baby is well there are no words to describe the feelings you feel.  Then when you should be resting you are sitting in the NICU with your baby all day and yes I drove myself to the hospital. Why might you ask first my hubby had work was going to take the week off when Leah came home and two I did not want to be on anyone else's time schedule I wanted to be able to come and go as I wanted. My typical day would be get up take Lil to school then go to hospital then leave at 3:30 pick Lil up from school and cook dinner pump( was pumping every 2 hours as Leah was getting tube feedings) then my hubby would come home from work then we would leave for hospital around 6:30 and stay till 10:30.  So we were beyond exhausted.


The past 6 weeks have been awesome with a dash of sleep deprived. We have wanted and  waited for her for so long. She is beautiful and to see the sparkle she has brought to my husband's eyes is heartwarming  to say  the least. The feelings that I told him about that he would feel that he brushed off he now says omg you were so right and actually more than words can describe.  He is so in love. So are her big sisters Mariah and Lily. They are helpful and love to hold her.The things you forget about having a newborn I feel like a first time mom again well it has been like 11 years. The most awesome thing to watch is my husband with her he is so smitten by her. He is so helpful and supportive and sometimes a worry wort.


So my rainbow baby is here. Every morning we sing songs and our favorite is you are my sunshine. She is our sunshine the happiness she has brought us is unmeasurable. She was worth all the tears, dr appts and prayers.When I am sitting and nursing her I am still in awe like she is her!!! I look at her and reflect on the struggle to get where I am at today what we all went through  for and there are others still going through the journey. Ladies it is worth it when you are broken down on your knees sobbing,screaming,heartbroken. It is worth it. That after every storm there is a rainbow and sunshine!!! I can honestly say and this is hard to admit how I took my other babies for granted, how I sometimes didn't take the time to cherish the moments. How I couldn't wait for them to grow up. Now I am whispering in her ear stay this little and precious forever. Here are some pics of Leah Analyse

Our first picture together

patio furniture or baby hmmm

Ok so went to new RE liked him a lot and so did my hubby. My hubby took off work and came with me today. So I have had a gut feeling that something besides my translocation is going on and guess what so did my RE!!! He feels with my spotting and light periods clomid is not doing the job correctly so he prescribed femara and ovidrel. So everything went well on that end now onto insurance. So I was getting ready to pay my nice little copay if 35 when she said that will be 335.00 for today I nearly fell on the floor. My insurance is making me pay deductible to the tune of 500.00 and then they cover 80% and We are responsible for 20% on top of copay and that this visit is the most expensive!!! So I have rounded out that like 90 every time I need ultrasound and so on. If I just need blood I will get it done at my hospital because its free. I am glad we can do this but by no means are we rich I have major brace work to pay for this month and braces will be paid off by august!!! The patio furniture I wanted is no go and the top kitchen cabinets might take a little longer to get!! but I will take a baby over patio furniture!!!

sick...

Started with dry scratchy throat on monday and turned into body aches and fever tuesday!! Called out of work wed and today. Started taking HPT on dollar tree on tuesday. See there is a slight problem FF had my ovulation day on min and I over rode it and put it to Sunday so I am either 10/11 dpo and dollar tree gave me damn evap lines!!! So my temp dipped yesterday and shot back up today and on top if that spotting!!! Hello wtf!! I want to scream I do not feel pregnant at all everytime I have been my boobs hurt my af according to my luteal phase of 14 days is due on monday. We fid everything right took clomid bd all the right days!!! Why am I spotting on 11dpo again like last month?? Or I am 10 dpo and its implantation bleeding but who am I kidding I am not that lucky!!! Oh and I still feel like crap!!! feeling down and out:(

busy bee

Well this past weekend was fun filled and labor intensive!!! On Friday night me and hubby chaperoned Valentine's dance!! Was a lot of fun good amount of kids turned out!!! Then Saturday had to take my girls down to the Basilica of St Peter and Paul so they get make all of their sacraments on Easter Vigil mass. Hubby couldn't make it he had to work. So that was a long day and mass!! Came hone ordered some pizza and vegged out knowing tomorrow was going to be busy. On sunday we laid a subfloor down in the kitchen and my body is still hurting!!! Then I am usually off on Mondays and had to work and all I wanted was to lay in bed sll day. So here I am on my day off running errands for the PTA .
On TTC waiting to ovulate will probably start taking opk tomorrow I don't expect to ovulate until end of the week.

really??? You got to be kidding me....

That's how I felt when I got this, this   morning....

So I would be lying if I said I wasn't surprise. Surprised meaning like I did clomid,acupuncture, thought positive. I have zero symptoms nada zilch none. On the subject of symptoms are these women crazy who have symptoms before 7dpo like I felt my breast full and twinges at 1,2,3 etc dpo. Like really your egg hasn't even been fertilized. Like seriously get a grip. Wow that felt better. So onto the next cycle I stopped taking the progesterone and now waiting for af she is due on Tues,so hopefully she is on time.

Off the ttc my oldest daughter turned 14 where has the time gone? Wish she was a baby well not really  because she is just as difficult as a teenager as a baby. I have come far from that place single mom all alone. My life is great this past weekend we made pizza and watched movies my little one was sick, so we just relaxed. This weekend I am working what fun and next weekend we are going on our annual pumpkin patch.I am so excited because our pumpkin patch has apple picking and winery!!!! Oh yeah take that BFN!!!! So till next time GL and baby dust!!!!

yummy pizza with my hubby and daughter!!!