Time

Time is what we all think about everyday time to do this time to do that.... no time for this no time for that. Sometimes it feel like time stands still minutes feel like hours, hours feel like weeks. There are other instances were time goes by so fast that it is gone in a blink of an eye. Even for me I could of swore I blogged about our summer and vacation because it felt like we were just on it last week but I come on here and realize nope that didn't happen and that it happened four months ago?!!! What, where did four months go? So time brings me to now. Some people live a lifetime decades nine of them to be exact my Nan did just that she lived till she was 92 two months shy of her 93rd birthday. She was granted a full lifetime of memories, happiness,heartache, experiences, and time. She was in plain words awesome see you do not realize how people affected your life until they are gone. You see with my Nan our relationship evolved overtime when I was little she was that grandmother that I swam with in the summers at the pool along with my sister. I remember playing a game where I would dive and swim between her legs superfast and she would laugh and smile and say how fast I was. Her and my Uncle would bring big black trash bags full of toys and her mandatory underwear and socks at christmas. My sister and I would kneel on the couch on Christmas day waiting for them to come over and be amazed at how big those bags were while lookig out the window. She was at every dance recital or performance, graduation and even my sporting events. She was always there. When someone lives as long as my Nan you do take for granted that they will always be there I mean we all know no one can live forever it's more of going through life know without that cheerleader. It is beuatiful now to look back at my relationship with my Nan how it came full cirlce from a little girl to a grown adult. I went many places with my Nan over the years when I was young she was that kind of grandmother. Now as a teen and young adult we were not so close but not because of her doing mine you know that rebellious phase. In my 20's I knew her heart broke for me when I was in a bad marriage. Her advice was to me never live in a house that you can not afford on your own, take yourself where your pocketbook takes you advice from her mother, and you can do bad all by yourself. Nan was a woman of faith said three hours of prayers a day and rarely spoke about her life tragedies. She was a mother who buried 3 children. Just take that in for a minute three children. The weight of that just in words takes my breath away. The first child she lost was stillborn, then her son Jackie when he was in his 30's than my father in his late 50's. I remember her saying once about death she said what are you going to do about it nothing you can do I just put them in my prayers. The stories she would tell abut growing up and the stories of her life were funny amd amusing. I love how my Uncle would tease her especially telling her that my dad was her favorite and she would say I do not have any favorites. Her jokes and one liners would have you belly laughing. Her most famous ones were not a worker her term for someone who does not want to work and is capable and skunk she would watch her soap operas and always say this one is a skunk that one is a skunk. We would watch cbs 48 hours on saturday nights and than the next time I would talk to her we would talk about it and she would automatically say I knew so and so did it he/she was a skunk. My nan was so many wonderful things that I could go on for days about her. Nan hasbeen gone for 2 and a half months and it feels like she has been gone for longer. The last couple of weeks with the holdiays it really just hit me that she is gone. Going over to her house and seeing her sit empty brought me to tears. Being able to pick up the phone (which I could of done more often) and just talk to her. Fuuny the other day I was at work and watched a minute of General Hospital which I have not seen in forever but it was one of Nan's favorite shows the one lady looked like she had a lot of plastic surgery and I thought to myslef omg the next time I talk to Nan I gotta mention this and see what she thinks and ask her how old this lady is. Than I remembered she is not here to ask so I ran in the bathroom at work and cried my eyes out. The other day I just really missed her and cried on and off that whole day. The Golden globes are on right now and I know the next time I would of talked to her she would of said something along the lines of did you see her in that dress or she would say did you get a load of him? I just really miss her I guess. That's grief for you somedays are better than others. For this new year I going to try and not take time for granted. When I get into the house now phone goes on top of the enetrtainment cenetr(needed it for photo opps) and I have not picked it back up until the girls are in bed. I am trying to didvde up my time between them nursing Leah to sleep and than trying to spend time with Lily. Soemtimes it does not happen baby does not cooperate and before I know it it's Lily's bedtime. See everything revolves around this time thing. Time is precious and it should be valued. Just the other day I was nursing Leah in my bed wondering where have her 9 months have gone. It felt like a lifetime to conceive her and now here she is 9 months old already. So I sat there and stroked her face and hair and inhaled her baby scent and just took that time out of my busy day to enjoy that moment.