Infant loss

These two words should never be side by side. Death should never follow birth . This was my biggest fear when I was pregnant. This is why I was scared to buy baby items and decorate a nursery till just weeks before Leah was due. I could not shake the nagging feeling that something was not going to go right. Things did not go right it was not the way I planned and I will post my birth experience in a later post but I brought my baby girl home. Unfortunately some parents do not bring their baby home.

In my  facebook group of balanced translocation pregnant and baby a mommy did not bring her baby home. Everything that I was scared of happening actually happened to someone else.A mommy lived my nightmare that I thought would happen to me. When I heard of what happened to this mommy and baby my heart broke in a million pieces for her. I cried for her when I nursed Leah that evening and a lit a candle like others for her baby that night. I have started this post many times and stopped not knowing what to say. How does one recover from this? How do you try to fix the broken pieces? I do not know this mommy well but to me she is one of the strongest woman I know to be able to get online and share her story is unbelievable. To be able to talk about it I give her a standing ovation. See these are the things that are not talked about. I know we do not know the words to say to people in these times sometimes there are no words to say just to listen. Sometimes it's writing a post on your blog saying I do not know how you feel but my heart breaks for you and your husband. My hope is that this mommy keeps telling her story so she can heal not today not tomorrow but healing does come when you least expect it.

Grief is a journey we have all grieved for something sometime in our lives. Our  journey is ours alone. Grief for me does not get better with time and that's okay. For me it's not the first thing I think about when I wake up anymore but sometimes it is. There are peaks and valleys on this roadway of grief. There is no wrong or right way. Life will never ever be the same.

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Am I the only one..

Who hates their birthday???? It's not the getting older thing I could careless about that. See I think it's because I never had a good birthday. I know my parents threw me parties a few times but in the 80's they were more like kids from the block coming over for ice cream and cake and I had a sleepover party for my 10th birthday party. My mom for my recollection never made a big deal or am I making that up. I sometimes think I must of had some great birthday party and I just do not remember?  My sister who is two years older than me she had  a pac man party and the other time  a wonder woman party. These parties were thrown when we were very young say 6 and under after that birthdays were not a big deal in my house. I think it was my 17th or 18th birthday when my mom actually forgot to even wish me a happy birthday. Again this year no happy birthday from her a text the next day saying she didn't forget it was my birthday just forgot to text. Umm that's forgetting in my book. So now I  actually get very anxious on my birthday it's not posted on fb and usually get through most of the day until my sister will post me a happy birthday on fb then others follow. I usually sit in my room on my birthday and veg out. One year my husband bought me the most awful beach cover up some ugly navy blue cover up I call it my wholesome wear!!! You might be thinking I want people to make a big deal of it but I really don't. This year it was just another day and that was ok for me I made my favorite meal because logistically I wanted to eat at a normal time and waiting for my husband to come home to cook and everything I would be starving. My baby Lil made me a Happy birthday banner and cleaned the downstairs(awesome present). My husband got me card which actually wasn't one of his best he usually picks me out the best birthday cards so this year he didn't oh well. He bought me chocolate protein shake and a shaker thing for it. He wanted to buy me jewelry but told him no. I did ask for some things to be done around the house and he did hang a light downstairs for me so that was one thing I wanted. Still waiting on the back screen  door to be spray painted and rescreened. I dislike my birthday am I weird for this are there others out there?

     This is why I make my kids favorite dinners on their birthdays and get them what they ask for and just make a big deal. This year it wasn't the best  birthdays for my girls because of the pregnancy and the baby. So I will just make sure to make them extra special this year. I did make them their favorite dinner and a cake. My girls are not fans of bakery cake they like homemade the best or pudding pie. I always give them a card reflecting on their last year and some advice for the future. I want them to remember their birthdays even if it was just that their mom made their favorite meal, made cupcakes to bring into school or had a party. I want them to know that their birthday is special because it's the day they came into my life and started their own lives.  

Life is different

Life is different this summer instead of heading to the beach we are at home taking in all the precious moments with Leah. It was kind of weird to be at home on the weekend. I sometimes didn't know what to do with myself!!! Crazy how quick life changes and this is our new world but we wouldn't have it any other way!!! My husband stares at her constantly and just repeats she is the greatest and just  the other day as he was holding her walking around the house I could hear him whisper I waited for you for so long, it brought tears to my eyes. The peace that has overcome me these past weeks is nothing that I have ever felt before. It is something new to me and actually gives me some anxiety that life could be so great and it is. Life is pretty damn good right now. We have settled into my work routine and  since last Friday has started sleeping through the night. She goes down anywhere between 8-9 and wakes up between 4-5am and if I am off that day she will nurse and go back to sleep till 8-9am!!! I am hoping she keeps this up for awhile. Me and Lenny have come to realize though that she likes to be sleeping in a bassinet or bed for her long stretches especially at night. So we have talked and if we do go out with her our night is ending at 7:30 aww the life of parenthood but we do not mind and have not taken her out like that anyways and honestly do not have any plans too. We are happy just staying at home and enjoying her. Life with older children and young infants is hard especially in the summer. Lily goes to her dad's for one week than we have her for a week.  Leah can not be out in the heat all day which limits what we can do as a family. I can not leave her for the day to say go to the beach because realistically I would have to find some where to pump and than store my breast milk and all that and that is just too much for me. So this upcoming weekend I think my husband is going to take her to the waterpark and than I will take her to a movie or may be mini golf and we can get my MIL to watch her so we can all go together. I just tell myself and Lily this is temporary next summer will be different and she is ok with that. Leah will be 4 months on the 19th 4 months where did the time go?? I think when you have such a gap between children and than you have another one it really makes you cherish the time because they grow up so fast!!! My husband said he wishes time would stand still and she would stay this little forever and so do I. So life is different and different isn't always bad sometimes it's so damn good!!!

She celebrated her first 4th of July while I was at work:((( She had her first real belly laugh that day  and that is the most magical sound a baby laughing!!! We fruitlessly tried to get her to do it again to no avail but we tried. Hannah our dog made her laugh, Hannah of all things!!!

1st 4th of July

Loving her fingers yum yum

Reading Dr Suess the Cat in the Hat she loves looking at the pictures

I survived

My first week back at work. Now I do not work a regular 9-5 I work in an Emergency Room in an inner city. So my schedule consist of 2-12hour shifts and 2-8 hour shifts and every third weekend. There are days I am off during the week which is nice. So my first week back I only did 2-8 hour shifts. My first day I was so high strung and anxious that I forgot pieces to my breastpump that thank God my MIL brought to me at work. Pumping isn't bad they have an old office to use with a computer so I get a nice 15 minutes to relax and I usually watch youtube videos. Now when it came time to do my first 12 hour shift I wanted to cry and almost did I missed my Leah so much. Now what I wasn't prepared for was all the bags I have to luge to work everyday and prepping meals and how much earlier I have to wale up. See before I was more of a get up like an hour before I am due in at work not worry about dinner till I get home. The good thing is how much less money I am spending at  work by preparing a weekly meal plan and packing my lunch.

So my heart still hurts and I miss her but it is what it is and we are all adapting to this new routine. Lenny's first time being with Leah solo was this weekend and they did good together. She was restless and missed her mommy though. He said he gained a new appreciation of what it is to be home with her. She would not take a long nap and just took cat naps so he was exhausted when I got home from work and I worked a 12 hour shift that day!!!!

 The weekend of Father's day we got photos taken  of me,Lenny and the baby. Our photographer told us to wait till her 6 month photo shoot to do Lily and Rye with her if we did it now she would look like a sack of potatoes on the picture.  We went to a mansion on the river it was beautiful. It was a nice Father's day gift for my husband we got a lot of great shoots of us here are some

tick tock

Tick tock goes the clock of my maternity leave coming to an end. We literally just got into a routine and bam now we have to get into another one. The anxious feeling that is stuck in my chest and throat  is sometimes no honestly it is overwhelming. She will be in great hands of my awesome loving mother in law who is like a mother to me. I want to be there. I love being at home yes sometimes it's a little mundane but it's awesome. I love nursing her through out the day and how she now looks up at me. Love her giggles and laughs. Love being here constantly for my girls. Love not looking on a calendar and trying to balance. I have been holding her closer lately not wanting to let go. When I think of leaving  tears fill up my eyes and my heart aches.
   I do no want to miss any moments I want to be there for everything. From Leah  rolling over  to award ceremonies at school. All moms want to be there for everything. When we miss something it makes us feel awful. Like this morning when Lily informed me that her end of the year award ceremony is Thursday but I can't go because I have work and needed to have my day off on Friday because   my MIL can not watch the baby that day. Then I remembered that I am running a uniform sale at school that afternoon and do not have a sitter then remembered I have a teenager living here somewhere so she can watch Leah for a few hours. These are the things that make you want to just stay at home and not go back to work. I constantly hear from other working moms it would be so much easier to stay at home. It just really sucks when you can't plain and simple it sucks.
   So I googled about not wanting to go back to work and all I got was crap like if you turn off cable you can stay at home. Like really if all we had to do was clip so damn coupons and shut off cable to be able to stay at home I would be a clipping maniac but that's not how it really works bottom line. Also article after article kept saying live simple and you can stay at home. Well honey we already live simple. If we live any simpler we will be little house on the prairie!!! I did read an article on how hard it is to get back in the work force though when one wants to go back. So I took in account that I carry the benefits for my family, our needs and wants. Kids just get more expensive as they get older Lily is going to need braces next year $$$ and if she goes to a catholic high school which is where she probably will attend our public school system here is scary that costs money. Mariah  has college in three years and so on. Also we like to camp and take vacations. Lily has sports and other activities that cost money. We need a bigger car but we will not get a car payment though. I have also been at my job for 9 years it is flexible. My husband and I do make decent money but I could not consciously take away half our income. Working part time I couldn't do either because of the health benefits I carry for our family. So it's off  to work I go.  My husband reminded me that we are working to give our kids the best that we can give they them. That they have the opportunities we did not have. Now I am not slamming SAHM or people who chose to live without in order to stay at home it works for them. I wish it could be that easy for my family but it's not. Money isn't everything believe me I know I am a simple person and  know from my own experiences that I would rather have someones time and love than money. I wish I could stay at home and find money for braces, tuition, softball, camps, classes,co pays,electric bill,mortgage and so on. I would love to stay at home for every moment but I can't. My other girls survived and they still do hate when I work so parents no it does not get any better. My 15 year old still asks when I have work and when it's my long day she sighs. I just like to think I am setting  a good example and try to make up for lost moments by being the PTA president and running around like a crazy person through the school year, making cupcakes at 9pm, making their favorite dinners, and so much more. Maybe this time around I will really appreciate the time I do  have with Leah because honestly I did not appreciate it both times before. I was in different places those times in my life and right now I am in the best place I have ever been in my life I am married to a wonderful man who is my best friend and I have a partner this time I am not doing this alone so it's awesome. I can honestly enjoy my baby this time so that is what I think makes me want to stay home this time. I was able to stay home with Lily till she was nine months but it was stressful I was broke and dealing with an alcoholic husband at the time. It was just awful so I wasn't able to really enjoy it.  What I am trying to do is to be engaged meaning no more cell phone when they are home from school and just living in the moment because at the end of the day that's are we are all guaranteed that moment at that time. So relish in it, breathe it in and soak it up.

***I will let you all know how I made out going back to work in my next post****

motherless



As mother day passed us by I scoured the Internet to relate to women who are motherless but their moms are still alive. I couldn't find a post or blog. Am I the only one out there?? I can't be can I?
I had a great mother when I was a child a regular suzy homemaker. Seriously she ran her own sewing business from wedding gowns to cabbage patch clothes. She baked cookies every Tuesday. Walked me too dance class, shopping and to the beauty salon. She sung funny songs like on top of spaghetti. She was wonderful and I wanted to be her. Now my household was not the I love you kiss hug house but you knew you were loved. Well most of the time. Tragedy struck my brother the oldest died in a freak lightning accident on the last day of college his senior year at the tender age of 21. I lost my mother that day. I didn't know it at the time but she was gone. She stopped loving that day. Now we still had some fun times went on family vacations and so on. The relationship that was developing between me and mother didn't grow. Somewhere a 9 year old girl is waiting on a relationship with a mother that will never be. Sadness filled my mothers heart simply there is no love to give out. My dreams of having a mother that would be there for me with loving arms just died.There was no guidance from her as a teenager and thank god I didn't turn out that bad. There was never I love you when you said goodbye on the phone. Which I thought was normal until I encountered my friends saying it to their parents. There are no shopping trips or dinner dates with my mom. She can't be bothered. 80% of the time she is a no show on holidays.  What I really set myself up for was how I thought when I had children I would get Suzy back and I did for a short time. What saddens my heart is how my girls have missed out on a grandmother. There are no movie dates, hang out dates, nothing. She has never came to any of my girls sports,religious or school functions. She has seen Leah maybe 3 times. I could easily go without speaking to her for months. Now my mother will buy us anything. While I was in the hospital she got my house organized from top to bottom bought the baby everything from the crib to stroller. I did not ask she insisted and I am very grateful and thankful. But I could have nought these things myself. I would rather of bought everything myself and have a mom who wants to hang out and spend time with me and her grand kids. I grieve for my mom I had when I was a young child I miss her terribly. To be parentless at a young age is devastating. I just wish I had a mom who was interested in my life. I wish I had a mom I could have coffee and bullshit with. Not one who rushes you out of the house 20 minutes after you got there.  I love my mom she would do anything for me what I mean in this post is that I just wish things were different and when you have a dream that something is going to turn out one way and it doesn't its hard that's all. I know she buried a child and there is no greater pain than that but she had 3 other children who needed her as well. I am trying to accept this is who she is and I think I have but it doesn't make it hurt any less. Like I tried to call her today she wouldnt answer just texted me one
word text. I try I really do true. I give up this is how it is. I just miss my mom that I used to bake cookies with and all that other stuff.
  Thank god for my mother in law. She was there everyday in the NICU. She sees the baby numerous times throughout the week and calls to check on us everyday. We talk like best friends. We compare store sales, complain about our husbands the kids, and just shoot the shit.  She is an awesome mother in law and I wish everyone could have a mother in law like her. I think God put her in my life for me to have the mom I wanted and needed. I am thankful for her everyday. For everyone out there who has the great mom thank her hug her text her email her call her you are very lucky.
 What I have learned is that I am different I always make sure I tell my girls I love them. I go to every event up until recently with the baby and all but I only missed like 2 softball games. I volunteer at school and am always checking up on them. Like my oldest says your like tattooed to me. I make their favorite dinners we sit and talk and watch our favorite tv shows.  I vowed to myself a long time ago if the only thing that comes out of this is the I realize how important it is to have a loving relationship with your children. Sometimes it does not come easy but all you can do is try your best and work on it. Just to be present everyday and love your children with all you have is all kids want their mom to do. So always give hugs and kisses goodnight. I even have to remind myself of that because as they get older those kind of things get put to the wayside. So now reflecting on this I will try harder to be present in the moment and give all my girls more kisses and hugs because no matter what age they all need it.

Where did the time go....

This week may 11 is the week of hell for me. To start May 11 mother's day, my sister's bday, Leah's christening. May 13 Lily turn ed 11 and the anniversary of my brother's death. May 14 my dad's bday and May 16 the day he died.

    So we christened Leah on Sunday Mother's Day and it was beautiful. It was and is  amazing to be able to  parent  with my husband the way I want, the way we were both brought up.  My husband is my biggest supporter and cheerleader. He loves that I breastfeed and that makes it so much easier. My baby Lil turned 11 yesterday!!! I remember like it was yesterday holding her in my arms and staring at her when she was just born. She is an outspoken,confident,beautiful girl. Where does the time go?

Today is my dad's birthday. I miss him deeply  painfully miss him. What makes my heartache so deep is what he has missed out on, so many memories. So many times I want to call him  and ask him for advice. He would of loved his grandchildren. God he would of had a ball with them. I miss my dad and think of him everyday. I know people say that but I do, I really do. I think of him when I am at my daughter's softball games thinking he would be there cheering her on. I think of him when the weather first breaks and how he would be running to play golf. Sometimes I think I see him and catch myself stalking the poor man that looks like him. When I hold my precious Leah I yearn for him to be there to relish in another grandaughter. I often thought of my dad when Leah was in the NICU. My dad was the one to pat you on the back and rub his fat sausage fingers on your back when you most needed it. There were times sitting in that chair in the NICU when all was quiet and I would bend my head down and rest my eyes I would feel the pat on my back. When Leah stares and smiles I like to think she sees my dad,brother and my husband's father. It will be 14 years on Friday that my dad has passed. 14 christmas's,birthdays,school plays,father's day,thanksgiving too many things. It feels like yesterday he was here. There are times I have to remind myself that it has been that long. That he has never met Lily or seen my house or me  or my sister get married and so many more things. Where did the time go?

Rainbow and Sunshine

Sorry I haven't posted. Life gets crazy. I will be posting weekly from now on pinky promise.
So Leah Analyse came into this world on March 19, 2014 at 8:38 am via c-section. She weighed 6lb 8oz and 19 inches long. The c-section experince was weird from my vaginal deliveries. I prefer vaginal if any has that question. The recovery from a c-section is much harder for me than my vaginal recovieries. So Leah was born on the day I turned 37 weeks due to a placenta previa.  She had some trouble breathing and was rushed to the NICU. There she ended on the si-pap machine which forces air into your lungs. She later developed   a pnuemothorax (hole on her lung) from breathing so hard that she had to get a chest tube. I was able to hold for a few minutes after my c-section thanks to  great nurses who hospital bed and all wheeled me into the NICU!!! I pumped while in the hospital and had to get out of bed to see her the days after she was born.Oh God they were the hardest physically and mentally. It was such a surreal experience. I felt robbed of the experience I had dreamed of and thought I was going to have. There were no pics of me and hubby  with the  baby or other family members. The girls were not even allowed in the NICU. Sad that a month to the day after she was born on Easter I said to my husband we don't have a`picture of us together.So Easter was our first pic together We still have to get one of us with Mariah and Lil. We said no to visitors except immediate family. I wasn't able to hold her for 2 days. That was the hardest.  We just had to sit there and stare at her in her isolate. What was heartbreaking for me is that I had to watch someone else take care of her. I didn't change her first diaper, I didn't give her, her first feeding. On the the third day or so I was able to hold her and change her diaper. A couple days after that I was able to finally breastfeed her and she did like she was born too and I was so thankful. That was my biggest worry having a c-section I wanted to have skin to skin immediately and nurse immediately. God if I only knew what was to happen.So I was up and out of bed way before I was ready too but there was no other choice.  I feel like having to get out of bed helped me recover so quickly. Having a baby in the NICU is hard emotionally and physically. I had her on Wednesday and was discharged on Sunday. Leaving the hospital without your baby is well there are no words to describe the feelings you feel.  Then when you should be resting you are sitting in the NICU with your baby all day and yes I drove myself to the hospital. Why might you ask first my hubby had work was going to take the week off when Leah came home and two I did not want to be on anyone else's time schedule I wanted to be able to come and go as I wanted. My typical day would be get up take Lil to school then go to hospital then leave at 3:30 pick Lil up from school and cook dinner pump( was pumping every 2 hours as Leah was getting tube feedings) then my hubby would come home from work then we would leave for hospital around 6:30 and stay till 10:30.  So we were beyond exhausted.


The past 6 weeks have been awesome with a dash of sleep deprived. We have wanted and  waited for her for so long. She is beautiful and to see the sparkle she has brought to my husband's eyes is heartwarming  to say  the least. The feelings that I told him about that he would feel that he brushed off he now says omg you were so right and actually more than words can describe.  He is so in love. So are her big sisters Mariah and Lily. They are helpful and love to hold her.The things you forget about having a newborn I feel like a first time mom again well it has been like 11 years. The most awesome thing to watch is my husband with her he is so smitten by her. He is so helpful and supportive and sometimes a worry wort.


So my rainbow baby is here. Every morning we sing songs and our favorite is you are my sunshine. She is our sunshine the happiness she has brought us is unmeasurable. She was worth all the tears, dr appts and prayers.When I am sitting and nursing her I am still in awe like she is her!!! I look at her and reflect on the struggle to get where I am at today what we all went through  for and there are others still going through the journey. Ladies it is worth it when you are broken down on your knees sobbing,screaming,heartbroken. It is worth it. That after every storm there is a rainbow and sunshine!!! I can honestly say and this is hard to admit how I took my other babies for granted, how I sometimes didn't take the time to cherish the moments. How I couldn't wait for them to grow up. Now I am whispering in her ear stay this little and precious forever. Here are some pics of Leah Analyse

Our first picture together

Supersitious

I am superstitious. I feel like an old Jewish Bubby which makes it crazy since I am not Jewish who says don't buy anything till the baby gets here. I am 27 weeks and 4 days. Being honest I still feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. That something horrible is going to happen. We are having a girl and her name is Leah Analyse. My husband wanted his initials so this is what we chose. My uneasiness at times comes across as bitcheness but the real truth is that this seems so unreal. I still can not picture bringing this baby home. Now that she is wiggling around it's the first thing I think of when I open my eyes in the morning. I hold my breath until I feel some type of flutter. Infertility robs you of so much. You think when you get pregnant everything will be happy which to an extent it is but there are those negative thoughts that lightly whisper to you. I just started getting baby items and they are slowly creeping up in the dining room. I keep thinking maybe when everything is in order will those whispers go away? When my house is overflowing with baby items will this anxiety stop? I hope so but probably not until I hold her in my arms.