motherless



As mother day passed us by I scoured the Internet to relate to women who are motherless but their moms are still alive. I couldn't find a post or blog. Am I the only one out there?? I can't be can I?
I had a great mother when I was a child a regular suzy homemaker. Seriously she ran her own sewing business from wedding gowns to cabbage patch clothes. She baked cookies every Tuesday. Walked me too dance class, shopping and to the beauty salon. She sung funny songs like on top of spaghetti. She was wonderful and I wanted to be her. Now my household was not the I love you kiss hug house but you knew you were loved. Well most of the time. Tragedy struck my brother the oldest died in a freak lightning accident on the last day of college his senior year at the tender age of 21. I lost my mother that day. I didn't know it at the time but she was gone. She stopped loving that day. Now we still had some fun times went on family vacations and so on. The relationship that was developing between me and mother didn't grow. Somewhere a 9 year old girl is waiting on a relationship with a mother that will never be. Sadness filled my mothers heart simply there is no love to give out. My dreams of having a mother that would be there for me with loving arms just died.There was no guidance from her as a teenager and thank god I didn't turn out that bad. There was never I love you when you said goodbye on the phone. Which I thought was normal until I encountered my friends saying it to their parents. There are no shopping trips or dinner dates with my mom. She can't be bothered. 80% of the time she is a no show on holidays.  What I really set myself up for was how I thought when I had children I would get Suzy back and I did for a short time. What saddens my heart is how my girls have missed out on a grandmother. There are no movie dates, hang out dates, nothing. She has never came to any of my girls sports,religious or school functions. She has seen Leah maybe 3 times. I could easily go without speaking to her for months. Now my mother will buy us anything. While I was in the hospital she got my house organized from top to bottom bought the baby everything from the crib to stroller. I did not ask she insisted and I am very grateful and thankful. But I could have nought these things myself. I would rather of bought everything myself and have a mom who wants to hang out and spend time with me and her grand kids. I grieve for my mom I had when I was a young child I miss her terribly. To be parentless at a young age is devastating. I just wish I had a mom who was interested in my life. I wish I had a mom I could have coffee and bullshit with. Not one who rushes you out of the house 20 minutes after you got there.  I love my mom she would do anything for me what I mean in this post is that I just wish things were different and when you have a dream that something is going to turn out one way and it doesn't its hard that's all. I know she buried a child and there is no greater pain than that but she had 3 other children who needed her as well. I am trying to accept this is who she is and I think I have but it doesn't make it hurt any less. Like I tried to call her today she wouldnt answer just texted me one
word text. I try I really do true. I give up this is how it is. I just miss my mom that I used to bake cookies with and all that other stuff.
  Thank god for my mother in law. She was there everyday in the NICU. She sees the baby numerous times throughout the week and calls to check on us everyday. We talk like best friends. We compare store sales, complain about our husbands the kids, and just shoot the shit.  She is an awesome mother in law and I wish everyone could have a mother in law like her. I think God put her in my life for me to have the mom I wanted and needed. I am thankful for her everyday. For everyone out there who has the great mom thank her hug her text her email her call her you are very lucky.
 What I have learned is that I am different I always make sure I tell my girls I love them. I go to every event up until recently with the baby and all but I only missed like 2 softball games. I volunteer at school and am always checking up on them. Like my oldest says your like tattooed to me. I make their favorite dinners we sit and talk and watch our favorite tv shows.  I vowed to myself a long time ago if the only thing that comes out of this is the I realize how important it is to have a loving relationship with your children. Sometimes it does not come easy but all you can do is try your best and work on it. Just to be present everyday and love your children with all you have is all kids want their mom to do. So always give hugs and kisses goodnight. I even have to remind myself of that because as they get older those kind of things get put to the wayside. So now reflecting on this I will try harder to be present in the moment and give all my girls more kisses and hugs because no matter what age they all need it.