Supersitious

I am superstitious. I feel like an old Jewish Bubby which makes it crazy since I am not Jewish who says don't buy anything till the baby gets here. I am 27 weeks and 4 days. Being honest I still feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. That something horrible is going to happen. We are having a girl and her name is Leah Analyse. My husband wanted his initials so this is what we chose. My uneasiness at times comes across as bitcheness but the real truth is that this seems so unreal. I still can not picture bringing this baby home. Now that she is wiggling around it's the first thing I think of when I open my eyes in the morning. I hold my breath until I feel some type of flutter. Infertility robs you of so much. You think when you get pregnant everything will be happy which to an extent it is but there are those negative thoughts that lightly whisper to you. I just started getting baby items and they are slowly creeping up in the dining room. I keep thinking maybe when everything is in order will those whispers go away? When my house is overflowing with baby items will this anxiety stop? I hope so but probably not until I hold her in my arms.

FB makes it official..,

Today I am 11 weeks pregnant. My first Dr's appointment is next Monday. So I announced on fb that we are expecting. It help me shake the negative feelings that were still floating around in my head. From now on positivity. I have been feeling tired and sometimes nausea and not interested in food, boobs still hurt and my dreams ate crazy!!! Oh peeing  a lot still. So wanting Monday to come tomorrow!!! Till next time!!! Miracles do happen my new mantra!!!

I surrender

Today I am 7 weeks 2-3 days pregnant give or take. My symptoms are peeing  a lot and hunger. My breast soreness has faded the last two days. That has me very worried. I feel like I am drowning in my own negativity and I can't get out. I want to wave the white flag and surrender.  My mind is saying this pregnancy is doomed. This is not going to end happily ever after. I feel not pregnant especially without the breast soreness. I never get morning sickness not tired nothing. I just keep making milestones for myself so the next is make it to eight weeks. Sorry this post isn't all butterflys and rainbows. This is real pregnancy after multiple miscarriages. There is nothing glamorous about it quite frankly there are moments of desperation and pleading with God to please let this one come home. There is no run out and start baby buys. It is lets get through today. I want positive thoughts and at times I do. I have not spotted at all(hope I don't jinx myself). My breasts were hurting and that gave me reassurance. I need a life vest from this insanity. I just want to get through these next couple of weeks. I just want to bring my baby home. I am going to try very hard to be positive and surrender to positivity. I am waving the white flag!!!

fear

I have fears lots of them. I have a love hate relationship with my toilet happy that I am peeing all the time scared to see spotting. My boobs  are sore and I am  little nauseous. Hungry all the time not tired but more low energy. Doubts linger in the back of my mind dancing around honestly it is the first thing I think of when I open up my eyes in the morning subconsciously saying in my mind please don't   let there be any color on the tp!!

The longest I have been pregnant besides my two beautiful daughters is 18 days from the time I found out. Today is day 15. Friday can not come sooner. I think back and I am pretty sure that I started spotting with that 18 day pregnancy at day 14. I feel like even writing this I am jinxing myself but I need to get this out. I have not called to make an appt to me there is no need yet I am on the crinone and honestly no Dr is a match for mother nature and God. I am relishing  in this pregnancy well trying too!!! I would rather go in and get and  ultrasound when no guessing  game is involved. Meaning if I am measuring behind at say 8-9 weeks a baby needs to be there no maybe next week. To go in now would just be that cruel game I have played before and too many times before I have been sent yo jail and didn't collect my $200. I want to go in and hit free parking and for that I will wait. Patience is what I need to practice these next few weeks more than I have ever practiced patience before!!! Today I am pregnant!!!

Is this really happening

I am 5 weeks and couple days pregnant. There I said it. I am on vacation trying to relax sometimes I do others times I don't. I have panicked a couple of times when my boobs hurt less but today and last night they are killing me. I am taking the crinone and did have some orange peachy discharge from it. Feel a little more tired than usual and very hungry. I am lucky I am not one of those women who get morning sickness. Sometimes I am scared to go to the bathroom so sometimes I wipe and flush and not look. I just want to get to September and breathe a little easier. Short post girls are wanting breakfast.Back to vacation.

On the edge

I was thinking of a blog subject last friday and this is how I felt on the edge. The edge of giving up not knowing how much more I can handle. Teetering between the line of acceptance and the drive to push till our dream comes true. I started thinking of our marriage without a child of our own and was thinking it wouldn't be so bad. I sat on the edge of the cliff in my mind not knowing which side to chose. Well I didn't have yo make a choice God made it for me yesterday at 16dpo I got a bfp!!! I am overjoyed and just in awe of my body and God. I also think acupuncture had alot to do with this pregnancy and to that I am grateful to my acupuncturist. So no more taking temps or tests I am going to enjoy this pregnancy and take it day by day. This is lucky number 13. The number 13 is a lucky number for me contrary to what others think. My brother dies on fridsy may 13,1988 struck by lightning on his last day of college I was only 9 years old. My memories are few and I can not for the life of me remember his voice that bugs me. So when I was pregnant with Lily I was due on May 23 I just knew in my heart I would go near this date I kind of prayed to him that if I did I would know that    he holds me in his heart and  even though I had few memories and was young he was my big brother none the less. So she came into the world that day and turned a sad day in my family to a joyous day and that he was with us. So for this to be pregnancy 13 I just pray that my brother has some divine intervention and I bring this baby home. I have been praying since yesterday to God to please bless this baby and to thank him for this baby. I like to think he saw me at the edge and brought me to the side of our dream coming true. I have to wonder when I was so close yo giving up this has to be a miracle.

Wishes....

I had some many wishes on this poor little eyelash that I found waiting for my IUI. I was so hopeful I was at the top of the infertility roller coaster. Now I feel like I am stuck going through loops on the upside down roller coaster. The ups and downs do not get easier you quickly forget how much you get your hopes up at the beginning of a cycle just to have them plummet like a roller coaster. I have zero symptoms nada nothing. That feeling of another wasted IuI is churning  in my stomach sometimes it takes my breath away and puts a lump in my throat. I have prayed and wished till I was worn out. I have made more  bargains with God  than your local bargain basement. I have wondered if God is not giving me this child because I could of done better with my oldest. We deserve this my husband and I. When I pray to God sometimes I ask him to not do  this for me but at least my husband. He deserves this sometimes I think he wants it more than me no scratch that he wants this more than me. He is a loving kind hearted man who would rock as a dad he already does as a stepdad.Every time it  doesn't  work he says babe I lost  it today I absolutely lost it.  I beg God to show his mercy and bless my husband with a child. Other times I just find omens like an eyelash on my paper gown waiting to get inseminated  and wish with every fiber in my being to let this please work if not for me but for husband!!!! I hope our wish comes true and I get the hell of this roller coaster!!!!