fear

I have fears lots of them. I have a love hate relationship with my toilet happy that I am peeing all the time scared to see spotting. My boobs  are sore and I am  little nauseous. Hungry all the time not tired but more low energy. Doubts linger in the back of my mind dancing around honestly it is the first thing I think of when I open up my eyes in the morning subconsciously saying in my mind please don't   let there be any color on the tp!!

The longest I have been pregnant besides my two beautiful daughters is 18 days from the time I found out. Today is day 15. Friday can not come sooner. I think back and I am pretty sure that I started spotting with that 18 day pregnancy at day 14. I feel like even writing this I am jinxing myself but I need to get this out. I have not called to make an appt to me there is no need yet I am on the crinone and honestly no Dr is a match for mother nature and God. I am relishing  in this pregnancy well trying too!!! I would rather go in and get and  ultrasound when no guessing  game is involved. Meaning if I am measuring behind at say 8-9 weeks a baby needs to be there no maybe next week. To go in now would just be that cruel game I have played before and too many times before I have been sent yo jail and didn't collect my $200. I want to go in and hit free parking and for that I will wait. Patience is what I need to practice these next few weeks more than I have ever practiced patience before!!! Today I am pregnant!!!

Is this really happening

I am 5 weeks and couple days pregnant. There I said it. I am on vacation trying to relax sometimes I do others times I don't. I have panicked a couple of times when my boobs hurt less but today and last night they are killing me. I am taking the crinone and did have some orange peachy discharge from it. Feel a little more tired than usual and very hungry. I am lucky I am not one of those women who get morning sickness. Sometimes I am scared to go to the bathroom so sometimes I wipe and flush and not look. I just want to get to September and breathe a little easier. Short post girls are wanting breakfast.Back to vacation.

On the edge

I was thinking of a blog subject last friday and this is how I felt on the edge. The edge of giving up not knowing how much more I can handle. Teetering between the line of acceptance and the drive to push till our dream comes true. I started thinking of our marriage without a child of our own and was thinking it wouldn't be so bad. I sat on the edge of the cliff in my mind not knowing which side to chose. Well I didn't have yo make a choice God made it for me yesterday at 16dpo I got a bfp!!! I am overjoyed and just in awe of my body and God. I also think acupuncture had alot to do with this pregnancy and to that I am grateful to my acupuncturist. So no more taking temps or tests I am going to enjoy this pregnancy and take it day by day. This is lucky number 13. The number 13 is a lucky number for me contrary to what others think. My brother dies on fridsy may 13,1988 struck by lightning on his last day of college I was only 9 years old. My memories are few and I can not for the life of me remember his voice that bugs me. So when I was pregnant with Lily I was due on May 23 I just knew in my heart I would go near this date I kind of prayed to him that if I did I would know that    he holds me in his heart and  even though I had few memories and was young he was my big brother none the less. So she came into the world that day and turned a sad day in my family to a joyous day and that he was with us. So for this to be pregnancy 13 I just pray that my brother has some divine intervention and I bring this baby home. I have been praying since yesterday to God to please bless this baby and to thank him for this baby. I like to think he saw me at the edge and brought me to the side of our dream coming true. I have to wonder when I was so close yo giving up this has to be a miracle.

Wishes....

I had some many wishes on this poor little eyelash that I found waiting for my IUI. I was so hopeful I was at the top of the infertility roller coaster. Now I feel like I am stuck going through loops on the upside down roller coaster. The ups and downs do not get easier you quickly forget how much you get your hopes up at the beginning of a cycle just to have them plummet like a roller coaster. I have zero symptoms nada nothing. That feeling of another wasted IuI is churning  in my stomach sometimes it takes my breath away and puts a lump in my throat. I have prayed and wished till I was worn out. I have made more  bargains with God  than your local bargain basement. I have wondered if God is not giving me this child because I could of done better with my oldest. We deserve this my husband and I. When I pray to God sometimes I ask him to not do  this for me but at least my husband. He deserves this sometimes I think he wants it more than me no scratch that he wants this more than me. He is a loving kind hearted man who would rock as a dad he already does as a stepdad.Every time it  doesn't  work he says babe I lost  it today I absolutely lost it.  I beg God to show his mercy and bless my husband with a child. Other times I just find omens like an eyelash on my paper gown waiting to get inseminated  and wish with every fiber in my being to let this please work if not for me but for husband!!!! I hope our wish comes true and I get the hell of this roller coaster!!!!

daydreaming

I love road trips!!! I always daydream on them. When I was in a bad marriage I would daydream about being with my now husband and how much better life   would be!!! Dreams do come true. Now as I sit on this bus headed to DC with my oldest  baby on her 8th grade trip I am  daydreaming about BFP and me and Lenny with a baby added to our family. Which road in life my Rye will take. Sometimes I daydream of us camping with an added family member with a stroller parked along side a tent. I dream about my daughters being big  sisters and loving their baby brother/sister. Sometimes my dreams are just me  and Lenny   older traveling camping at Yosemite seeing the Grand Canyon the girls are grown up doing their own thing. Truthfully it hurts my heart when those dreams enter my mind. But I do find comfort that in the end baby or no baby I have my wonderful husband and my 2girls. Quite frankly life keeps moving even if your dreams are stuck in your head and never come to fruition. Thats why they are called dreams right? There is a chance they might come true thats why we keep dreaming.....

change of heart

Literally change of heart!!! My uncle who is like a dad to me since my dad passes away received a new heart on thursday morning!!! It is unreal what science today can do!!!! He was up and took a little walk last night!!! I am exhausted though but all worth it. My sister is away since wed on conference so me and hubby have been holding down the fort. My niece has been staying with my nan taking care of her and keeping her company. Thank god I am not on a monitored cycle this month God works jn mysterious ways!!! Feeling grateful to the donor family for giving this gift!!!!  Two thumbs up from Uncle Tim!!! This was right after he came out of the OR!!!

benched

So I am benched this cycle!! Had car trouble and timing wasn't able to make it to RE. So I am drug free this cycle which I think is good I have been  on meds since   September. So we are just going to relax this cycle well at least try too!!!

Today is also my daughters 10 year old bday it saddens me that she is in double digits that she is getting biggerit really   saddens my heart. 25 years ago today my brother passed away at the tender age of 21 on his last day of college. There was no crime no car accident just mother nature he was struck and killed by lightning. So today is bittersweet. Tomorrow is my dad's birthday and then two days after that is the anniversary of his death. This is the week that is an emotional roller coaster for me. Just trying to take deep breaths and letting the tears flow....