Where did the time go....

This week may 11 is the week of hell for me. To start May 11 mother's day, my sister's bday, Leah's christening. May 13 Lily turn ed 11 and the anniversary of my brother's death. May 14 my dad's bday and May 16 the day he died.

    So we christened Leah on Sunday Mother's Day and it was beautiful. It was and is  amazing to be able to  parent  with my husband the way I want, the way we were both brought up.  My husband is my biggest supporter and cheerleader. He loves that I breastfeed and that makes it so much easier. My baby Lil turned 11 yesterday!!! I remember like it was yesterday holding her in my arms and staring at her when she was just born. She is an outspoken,confident,beautiful girl. Where does the time go?

Today is my dad's birthday. I miss him deeply  painfully miss him. What makes my heartache so deep is what he has missed out on, so many memories. So many times I want to call him  and ask him for advice. He would of loved his grandchildren. God he would of had a ball with them. I miss my dad and think of him everyday. I know people say that but I do, I really do. I think of him when I am at my daughter's softball games thinking he would be there cheering her on. I think of him when the weather first breaks and how he would be running to play golf. Sometimes I think I see him and catch myself stalking the poor man that looks like him. When I hold my precious Leah I yearn for him to be there to relish in another grandaughter. I often thought of my dad when Leah was in the NICU. My dad was the one to pat you on the back and rub his fat sausage fingers on your back when you most needed it. There were times sitting in that chair in the NICU when all was quiet and I would bend my head down and rest my eyes I would feel the pat on my back. When Leah stares and smiles I like to think she sees my dad,brother and my husband's father. It will be 14 years on Friday that my dad has passed. 14 christmas's,birthdays,school plays,father's day,thanksgiving too many things. It feels like yesterday he was here. There are times I have to remind myself that it has been that long. That he has never met Lily or seen my house or me  or my sister get married and so many more things. Where did the time go?

Rainbow and Sunshine

Sorry I haven't posted. Life gets crazy. I will be posting weekly from now on pinky promise.
So Leah Analyse came into this world on March 19, 2014 at 8:38 am via c-section. She weighed 6lb 8oz and 19 inches long. The c-section experince was weird from my vaginal deliveries. I prefer vaginal if any has that question. The recovery from a c-section is much harder for me than my vaginal recovieries. So Leah was born on the day I turned 37 weeks due to a placenta previa.  She had some trouble breathing and was rushed to the NICU. There she ended on the si-pap machine which forces air into your lungs. She later developed   a pnuemothorax (hole on her lung) from breathing so hard that she had to get a chest tube. I was able to hold for a few minutes after my c-section thanks to  great nurses who hospital bed and all wheeled me into the NICU!!! I pumped while in the hospital and had to get out of bed to see her the days after she was born.Oh God they were the hardest physically and mentally. It was such a surreal experience. I felt robbed of the experience I had dreamed of and thought I was going to have. There were no pics of me and hubby  with the  baby or other family members. The girls were not even allowed in the NICU. Sad that a month to the day after she was born on Easter I said to my husband we don't have a`picture of us together.So Easter was our first pic together We still have to get one of us with Mariah and Lil. We said no to visitors except immediate family. I wasn't able to hold her for 2 days. That was the hardest.  We just had to sit there and stare at her in her isolate. What was heartbreaking for me is that I had to watch someone else take care of her. I didn't change her first diaper, I didn't give her, her first feeding. On the the third day or so I was able to hold her and change her diaper. A couple days after that I was able to finally breastfeed her and she did like she was born too and I was so thankful. That was my biggest worry having a c-section I wanted to have skin to skin immediately and nurse immediately. God if I only knew what was to happen.So I was up and out of bed way before I was ready too but there was no other choice.  I feel like having to get out of bed helped me recover so quickly. Having a baby in the NICU is hard emotionally and physically. I had her on Wednesday and was discharged on Sunday. Leaving the hospital without your baby is well there are no words to describe the feelings you feel.  Then when you should be resting you are sitting in the NICU with your baby all day and yes I drove myself to the hospital. Why might you ask first my hubby had work was going to take the week off when Leah came home and two I did not want to be on anyone else's time schedule I wanted to be able to come and go as I wanted. My typical day would be get up take Lil to school then go to hospital then leave at 3:30 pick Lil up from school and cook dinner pump( was pumping every 2 hours as Leah was getting tube feedings) then my hubby would come home from work then we would leave for hospital around 6:30 and stay till 10:30.  So we were beyond exhausted.


The past 6 weeks have been awesome with a dash of sleep deprived. We have wanted and  waited for her for so long. She is beautiful and to see the sparkle she has brought to my husband's eyes is heartwarming  to say  the least. The feelings that I told him about that he would feel that he brushed off he now says omg you were so right and actually more than words can describe.  He is so in love. So are her big sisters Mariah and Lily. They are helpful and love to hold her.The things you forget about having a newborn I feel like a first time mom again well it has been like 11 years. The most awesome thing to watch is my husband with her he is so smitten by her. He is so helpful and supportive and sometimes a worry wort.


So my rainbow baby is here. Every morning we sing songs and our favorite is you are my sunshine. She is our sunshine the happiness she has brought us is unmeasurable. She was worth all the tears, dr appts and prayers.When I am sitting and nursing her I am still in awe like she is her!!! I look at her and reflect on the struggle to get where I am at today what we all went through  for and there are others still going through the journey. Ladies it is worth it when you are broken down on your knees sobbing,screaming,heartbroken. It is worth it. That after every storm there is a rainbow and sunshine!!! I can honestly say and this is hard to admit how I took my other babies for granted, how I sometimes didn't take the time to cherish the moments. How I couldn't wait for them to grow up. Now I am whispering in her ear stay this little and precious forever. Here are some pics of Leah Analyse

Our first picture together

Supersitious

I am superstitious. I feel like an old Jewish Bubby which makes it crazy since I am not Jewish who says don't buy anything till the baby gets here. I am 27 weeks and 4 days. Being honest I still feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. That something horrible is going to happen. We are having a girl and her name is Leah Analyse. My husband wanted his initials so this is what we chose. My uneasiness at times comes across as bitcheness but the real truth is that this seems so unreal. I still can not picture bringing this baby home. Now that she is wiggling around it's the first thing I think of when I open my eyes in the morning. I hold my breath until I feel some type of flutter. Infertility robs you of so much. You think when you get pregnant everything will be happy which to an extent it is but there are those negative thoughts that lightly whisper to you. I just started getting baby items and they are slowly creeping up in the dining room. I keep thinking maybe when everything is in order will those whispers go away? When my house is overflowing with baby items will this anxiety stop? I hope so but probably not until I hold her in my arms.

FB makes it official..,

Today I am 11 weeks pregnant. My first Dr's appointment is next Monday. So I announced on fb that we are expecting. It help me shake the negative feelings that were still floating around in my head. From now on positivity. I have been feeling tired and sometimes nausea and not interested in food, boobs still hurt and my dreams ate crazy!!! Oh peeing  a lot still. So wanting Monday to come tomorrow!!! Till next time!!! Miracles do happen my new mantra!!!

I surrender

Today I am 7 weeks 2-3 days pregnant give or take. My symptoms are peeing  a lot and hunger. My breast soreness has faded the last two days. That has me very worried. I feel like I am drowning in my own negativity and I can't get out. I want to wave the white flag and surrender.  My mind is saying this pregnancy is doomed. This is not going to end happily ever after. I feel not pregnant especially without the breast soreness. I never get morning sickness not tired nothing. I just keep making milestones for myself so the next is make it to eight weeks. Sorry this post isn't all butterflys and rainbows. This is real pregnancy after multiple miscarriages. There is nothing glamorous about it quite frankly there are moments of desperation and pleading with God to please let this one come home. There is no run out and start baby buys. It is lets get through today. I want positive thoughts and at times I do. I have not spotted at all(hope I don't jinx myself). My breasts were hurting and that gave me reassurance. I need a life vest from this insanity. I just want to get through these next couple of weeks. I just want to bring my baby home. I am going to try very hard to be positive and surrender to positivity. I am waving the white flag!!!

fear

I have fears lots of them. I have a love hate relationship with my toilet happy that I am peeing all the time scared to see spotting. My boobs  are sore and I am  little nauseous. Hungry all the time not tired but more low energy. Doubts linger in the back of my mind dancing around honestly it is the first thing I think of when I open up my eyes in the morning subconsciously saying in my mind please don't   let there be any color on the tp!!

The longest I have been pregnant besides my two beautiful daughters is 18 days from the time I found out. Today is day 15. Friday can not come sooner. I think back and I am pretty sure that I started spotting with that 18 day pregnancy at day 14. I feel like even writing this I am jinxing myself but I need to get this out. I have not called to make an appt to me there is no need yet I am on the crinone and honestly no Dr is a match for mother nature and God. I am relishing  in this pregnancy well trying too!!! I would rather go in and get and  ultrasound when no guessing  game is involved. Meaning if I am measuring behind at say 8-9 weeks a baby needs to be there no maybe next week. To go in now would just be that cruel game I have played before and too many times before I have been sent yo jail and didn't collect my $200. I want to go in and hit free parking and for that I will wait. Patience is what I need to practice these next few weeks more than I have ever practiced patience before!!! Today I am pregnant!!!

Is this really happening

I am 5 weeks and couple days pregnant. There I said it. I am on vacation trying to relax sometimes I do others times I don't. I have panicked a couple of times when my boobs hurt less but today and last night they are killing me. I am taking the crinone and did have some orange peachy discharge from it. Feel a little more tired than usual and very hungry. I am lucky I am not one of those women who get morning sickness. Sometimes I am scared to go to the bathroom so sometimes I wipe and flush and not look. I just want to get to September and breathe a little easier. Short post girls are wanting breakfast.Back to vacation.