Picture day

See my little girl has a thing for her clothes she likes to pick them out herself and likes certain ones. Leah always wants to wear fuzzy pants and shirts meaning fleece. She sees one color of something in a pant and shirt they match even if they don’t. She hates being cold and is adamant on wearing pants under dresses until we had a lengthy conversation that you do not have too and she believed afterwards. The other night she tried on a new nightgown that had that new style with the shoulders that come down and she screamed it was broken. So off that went she said she might try it back on in 3 weeks. Her words exactly. That she doesn’t really get the concept of Capri pants so she takes her little feet and tries to push down the pants to meet her ankles and when she realizes that doesn’t work it’s off with the pants. That the line in her socks has to sit in a certain position across her toes. The thing is after I have mothered for as long as I have I don’t care what her outfits look like as long as they are clean. That it’s her personality shining through. That I do not have to make excuses for her like oh hey she dressed herself today and have that look on my face like yikes. Picture day was this week all the girls were dressed up in dresses and really cute outfits. As I looked at them it had me wondering how do they do it? Do the girls pick out these outfits and bows? Are they thrust upon by moms? I would love if Leah wore what I picked out for her but she doesn’t she dresses to the beat of her own fashion sense I guess you could say. I could lay out two outfits that match and she would switch the shirts and pants between the two and come up with something of her own liking. So on picture day Leah wore her favorite cheetah pants and a shirt that matched in her fashion opinion and she did put a headband in her hair. Now could I demand she wear an outfit of my choice with crying and screaming ensuing,but guess what it’s her choice her idea, it’s what makes her comfortable and feel pretty. When we look back years from now we will say you sure did have a style about you that hopefully sticks with her. I have always let my kids express themselves one summer my oldest was obsessed with Spiderman so we shopped the boys section that year and she was even Spider-Man for Halloween. Guess what I am saying is don’t get hung up on what you think your kids should look like. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter. What matters is that they are confident. I hope by letting her express herself she builds the confidence everyone needs in life. I hope she never loses her fashion sense!!!

This time it’s so hard

Every time is different. I have become a mom 4 times over and every time has been different in every way. From the birth to the parenting style I had. I am just so tired a tired that sleep wouldn’t even help. My mind is functioning for 6 people now. I have said 1 million times to the 4 year old since the baby has been born please stop squishing your brother and for the love of god stop touching his face!!! I have mothered 3 girls all different. I am a mom boy for the first time. I suffered from the baby blues for the first time and post partum anxiety. I physically and mentally suffered from the birth of this baby. I had given birth 2 times vaginally before and they were both different but this time the pain was something out of this world and recovering afterwards was the hardest. I was sad this time about how the birth went and this being my last. That he has done this choking and gagging thing since birth that has my anxiety level so high that I went out and got a monitor for him for when he is sleeping. That he nursed sometimes all day and my four year old has regressed somewhat. That this winter was long and seemed like it was never ending so cabin fever set in for the 4 year old. That my mind is constantly running and thinking and I can’t shut it off. That it’s 1:30 in the morning and I can’t fall asleep. That at this very moment life is hard. I miss my husband. I want sleep. I am starving all day from nursing. I can’t keep up on the wash. Going grocery shopping is like an Olympic event these days how fast and efficient I can be?!!! Meal planning every week thinking of new meals not incorporating old ones too many times. Did I remember the ingredient for the said new meal? Mothering two teenage girls is hard. They aren’t as vocal as the Little’s so I have to keep my eye out for signs that something maybe wrong and sometimes there is. It’s the hey you look like there is something wrong and the teenager vents her frustrations with whatever friends, school m, or boyfriend I listen and try to listen while nursing the baby or tending to the 4 year old or yelling at the 4 year old. I try to give advice that goes one of 2 ways they either listen and take it or look at me like shut up!!! And did I mention to I have a husband in this house somewhere? He parents just as hard as me and gets pulled in 80 directions throughout the day but reality I run this ship and how we do it works. He is the main chauffeur and Softball attending parent right now that’s 4 times a week. Than he has his mr fix it jobs for the house and he spends extra time with the 4 year old that I can’t. But he can’t lactate so that is my job and it is demanding. Writing this I just realized I didn’t pump yet today damn it!!! I am returning to work in less than 2 weeks and my anxiety is at an all time high. How will baby be without me all day? Will he take the bottle all day or want me? Will everyone pitch in and work together as a family or will I get calls at Work that someone didn’t do something and than that person isn’t going to do what they were asked to do???? How more tired will I be? Will I pump enough? Will the baby settle for my husband? How will we do softball games when I have work? Has anyone seen my husband? If you do tell him I love him and we will look back at this time in our lives as one of the best but right now I could sleep for 24 hours straight!!! Now I go to get to that wash before I have to wash it again!!!

My toddler is gone

The toddler days are behind us according to google at age 4 you are officially a preschooler. Instead of stroller walks it’s scooter walks or bike walks around the neighborhood. You found your voice and now tell me what you want for lunch. You pick out your own outfits as you know what you want and what you like and no one can change your mind. There are days that you still want me to rock you like a baby and I do happily. Bedtime is still a learning curve as your world was turned upside by the arrival of your brother. See we had this thing me and you, I would get a shower than daddy would give you a bath, you would than hop in my bed and we would read books than drift off to sleep watching Roseanne together. With the addition of this little guy that hasn’t been able to happen and I miss those nights me and you. We had so much fun in those toddler days. From our first time at playgroup to all the storytimes at all the different libraries. The days were long my sweeet little girl but the years were so short. You have been my buddy these past three years everyday has been an adventure. Some of the days were not fun like the tantrums and negotiating with a toddler is a task in itself. Each year I have to let you spread your wings a little more but my heart breaks more with each year. I watched you as you nervously walked into preschool this year and I held that little hand and gave you reassurance that I would wait in the living room as you called it and I would be right here when school was over. Now 6 months later you walk in sometimes not even kissing me goodbye. How do we let go of these little human beings so quick just a couple years at home and than they are in school? Lately the question.How did 3 years go by so fast? Leah you are turning four tomorrow and I want to keep you 3 forever!!! Like you said to me yesterday Mom you are my best friend. Not going to lie 3 wasn’t easy there were tantrums, tears, defiance but there was also laughter, questions and growing. You have started asking why a lot more lately about everything. There are still so many firsts still to come for you baby girl. Keep being funny, pick out your own outfits, artistic and dancing girl you are!!!

Full circle

My children are literally decades apart from the oldest to the youngest there are nineteen years apart. Every time I birthed my 3 girls I looked into their eyes and whispered I could do this five times over. This time though this was the last time. Oh my god I just admitted that in writing. We got pregnant on a hope and dream. We spent years trying to conceive our third child and we thought we might not get another chance. With me approaching forty this summer we decided last year to start trying never thinkomg we would get pregnant right away but miscarry but than pregnant right away again and stay pregnant. It felt like all summer we held our breaths not really believing this was going to happen. Than I myself have so much anxiety pregnant I really did not enjoy it as much as I should have. We knew it was our last baby and maybe acknowledging that while I was pregnant would of brought too many emotions. I feel like I was born to be a mom and to know that my last pregnancy is my last is heartbreaking and bittersweet. This time I can say that we are done. My pregnancy was the most uncomfortable pregnancy I had endured. I think because I was older and running after a toddler and two teenagers just made it even more exhausting. This suprise baby boy yes a boy after three girls is my last. I actually cried numerous times after I delivered him almost 3 weeks ago my Valentines baby. The thought of never having another child actually takes my breath away and makes my stomach drop into my feet but at the same time I know my heart is full my family is complete. I look back on that naive 20 year old first time Mom and look how far I have come. I have made mistakes second guessed myself been threw a divorce remarried to the love of my life. But I am here still standing do it really shakes me to the core to hold this newborn in my arms and think you are my last sweet boy. I will never again do this newborn season and than I start thinking of all the lasts and seasons I will be doing for the last time. Some I will be glad to be over with others I will try with all my might to hold on. I honestly can’t think of it tooo long or I start bawling my eyes out. I have been a mom for half of my life raising children I can’t even think of what I will do when the last becomes an adult. Will I rejoice or be sad because I have been motherhing so long? I know we never stop being mothers but how do we deal when little hands don’t need you everyday? I guess the only thing to do is really try to soak it in and even when I feel like I can’t keep my eyes open and the two Little’s are crying and both needing me at the same time to know this is a season and with every season it only lasts so long so to enjoy and even hate it on some days but know there are different seasons yet to come.

My cup runneth over

We are now party of six. We gave birth to a little boy on Valentine’s Day. He weighted 7lbs 9 ounces. It was my hardest pregnancy and by far my hardest labor. I cried screamed sang out loud begged for mercy. We didn’t know what we were having so to have a boy after three girls was wonderful. Even though Leah is about to be four you really do forget the newborn phase and to have a toddler And teenagers to take care of too I am just depleted. I am really struggling this time with being exhausted. My oldest kids are almost 5 years apart and Mariah was just an awesome toddler/kid she went to preschool everyday and just was older mentally and physically that what I am dealing with now. Being a mom is so hard but being a mom m to kids of all different ages is even harder in my opinion. While I have to make appointments for everyone run one to practice and than take care of two little kids is just tiring thinking about it. Add running a household to it and put a fork in me I am done. I will miss these days I know when the house is quiet and everyone is living their own lives but right now we are in the trenches and so very tired.

Life gets crazy

Just noticed it has been 2 years since my last post. Wow!!! Life gets busy what can I say. Leah is now 3 we totally weaned from breastfeeding the month she turned 3. Lily is about to graduate 8th grade. Mariah is trying to find herself and she has a job. My husband has a new job that he likes that is closer to home with no traffic so he is happy!!! Me I am just trying to stay afloat with everyone's schedules and being a mom wife etc!!! Life throws you curve balls and it seems when they do I have the itch to write so let me scratch that itch now. One of my dearest oldest best friends passed away from a septic embolism that went from her heart to her brain. She was that friend that you could always count on when things got rough to give you a pep talk. She was there for me when I got pregnant at 19 and many times after that. She was my person!!! Through the years we always kept in touch we might not of talked everyday but if we had a crisis or needed that someone she was always a phone call away. She was larger than life one of a kind and my heart has been heavy since she passed. It has rekindled old friendships for me that I treasure and for that I am grateful. I still can't believe she is gone there was a video someone posted and I couldn't muster the courage to watch it. She literally was the person I called for extreme crisis!! She is the friend you show up to at 3 in the morning wearing all black with a shovel and she would say give me 5 minutes to get my shoes on!!! She saved my ass so many times in my younger years. I will truly miss her. She taught me what a true friend was.

It also didn't help that at this time my friend was dying i was suffering my 11th miscarriage, I honestly didn't have the energy to think about it. I was on the other hand happy that I was able to get pregnant. The month of May brings so many emotions my brother and dads passing mothers day so many emotions. I have felt quiet overwhelmed honestly lately and feel not myself. i have been snappy and feeling on edge and just tired. It's the season I am in I guess with all 3 girls and their schedules and managing a house from cleaning to meal planning to couponing to trying to keep everyone fed and alive while working 40 hours. I think the last 3 years of sleep deprivation has finally caught up to me. My husband is my partner and without him i would be truly lost he picks up where I am lacking he is the taxi of our house and he even accompanies me on my food shopping trips with coupons in toe. I think the reason I am feeling this way is because of my dear friend passing and the month of May. Each year I miss my dad more and more especially that my mom is very absent in my life I know he wouldn't of been absent in our lives and that makes my heart hurt. We are still open to ttc my heart still feels incomplete so I do wish for just 1 more and hopefully God will bless us with one more. How I would love Leah to have a sibling in her age range and I am not getting any younger. So onto the next cycle.

Mariah

 Every child is different. Honestly you parent each child differently. Your first child you are unsure make mistakes which you will still do with subsequent children   also they are not spared by birth order. They are things in your life that contribute to how you parented that child at that time. My first born Mariah has had the pleasure of being on this parenting learning curve with me. I have made mistakes along the way some good some bad but all in all mistskes. The most important part is to learn from them and that I hope I have. Mariah has always been shy from the beginning she hated people holding her and even looking at her. I signed her up for dance lessons thinking that would help well it didn't. Signed her up for sports to help with  the shyness to learn that was also not her thing. Playing video games was  making  friends not so much. She never came home and chatted about kids in her class or made that friend she had to spend every minute with.  She was the child to invite a friend over than an hour later come whisper to me that the friend had to leave she had enough. She did have a love for reading books for a little bit. Even swam on a swim team for one season and than half a season. She never really got into the catty girl chat in school and would come home perplexed that girls would talk about each other just tell them to their face she would say?!! See what I  did not realize was the my child was not just shy but had anxiety. I just chalked it up to she isn't one of the cookie cut neighborhood girls that cheers plays sports hangs out with all these kids etc..That she did not like crowds, or going to amusement parks or ordering food. That these were her quirks. Which they are but they are also extensions of her anxiety. She was never the child to ask for anything not a ice cream from the ice cream truck or a present. I would tell people she was a trying baby but a great toddler always listened never gave me any problems well until she became a teenager. Now looking back it was anxiety she probably did want an ice cream but knew if she asked I would of just handed her a dollar to go get it so instead she just did not ask. Going on a ride would mean handing someone a ticket. That hanging out with a friend is okay for a bit but after a short time it becomes more of a chore for her and even hearing them talk sends her over the edge. That when she is over it she is over it. I think she falls between a shy person and an introvert.

 It is hard when your child does not fit the mold you had imagined. You think they are going to be typical teenagers go out hang out with friends do as their peers. That has never been that way with Mariah she hates clothes shopping but her style was always her own. She would always ask why does every girl wear the same thing as each other? You could never join in on the conversation at work about your childs doings in school with sports or extra curricular activities. I was glad that she was passing. We have had our issues with school failing and just not doing her best. This is the part that scares me where is she headed in life. If she does not go to college what will she do with her life? What do you do for your child when they are so lost in life? As parents we are problem solvers but sometimes the problem is out of our capabilities. How do you convey to your child that her future is important and the mistakes she is making today has such an impact on their future? How do you find your child when they are so lost? How do they find themselves? What do you do when you have done everything? How do you give them answers that you do not have? How did my daughter end up here? Is it my fault? Did I not pay enough attention? Should I have pushed her harder? Should of have gotten out of that terrible marriage years earlier? How do I make up for how others have done her wrong in her life? How do I show her life is hard sometimes honestly it is quite unbearable. There are times in your life when you do not know how you will make it out of bed the next day. Sometimes I do not show any emotion but anger I get this from my mother. It is sometimes hard for me to be anything less than stoic becuase there were many times in my life I had to be that more than I would have liked. There were many times in my life were all there was was me no one to cry too no one to pick me back up and dust me off. I would have loved to be a blubbering mess many of times but who would of took care of Mariah when my father died, when she was born and I was all alone with her or my girls when I was in a horrible marriage? Thank God I was finally able to be that blubbering mess when my Nan died my husband was there to pick me up and dust me off and what a comfort that was knowing I finally had someone to be there for me. My family was not hugs and kisses at all. I try to be that with my girls and I know along the way that has gotten away from me. I just want my first born Mariah to know her worth. That she is worth everything. That I love her even when I am mad at her. I love her when she makes the wrong decisions. I love her when she loves the wrong boy. I love her when she fails. I love her with every breath that I take and with all that I am she made me what I am today a mom. I love her when she plays with Leah. I love her when she shares secrets with Lil. I love when I see her curled up with a book. I love when I know she wants something and has that smirk on her face. I love her from a distance when she needs it. That I do give her tough love and honestly I feel that's all I have given her lately. I pray she finds direction in her life and I can love her without the toughness.  

One Whole Year

It has been 365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months and countless minutes and hours that Leah has been in our lives yet I can not imagine life before her. She was an answer to many prayers. There were so many tears shed for her before she was even conceived. There are a couple things infertility does give you, it is the appreciation for this tiny human being. Now I am not saying I never appreciated my other children but I did take them and the experience for granted. I did slow down and savor the moments this time.  It was like I parented through a different set of  eyes this time and it was so beautiful to see and experience. I have mentioned before in my other posts about this time being so different for me I feel like this time I was able to enjoy this experience of being a mom actually it was the first time I  felt like a mom to a newborn. Let's just say in my prior times parenting a newborn was not enjoyable because of the situations I was in and I do feel guilty for that. I feel cheated because this past year has been so magical and awesome. Maybe that is why I paid such close attention to it. Maybe that is why I held her a little tighter and enjoyed her. I think also age has something to do with it I was young with my other 2 daughters in a bad marriage and well you get the idea. This time I felt so ready especially with my husband who is just an incredible person to go through this with. I mean what woman's heart would not swoon when everytime Leah did something new my husband would get choked up and tears would well up in his eyes. God I love that man. When you have a partner who is so on your page with you and just is so in awe of this tiny human being it makes it so much more beautiful. I was able to work full time and breastfeed Leah and it has been  one of the most life changing experiences of my life along with such an encouraging husband by my side while doing it. It has been a year of firsts for so many things. I wish I could keep her this little forever. Her personality is starting to surface and lets just say she is a feisty one. The clinging has begun snd she is defintely  a level 10 clinger. She literally grabs my ankles and does not let go. Her belly laugh is contagious. Her smile delightful. Her curiosity sometimes gets her into trouble. Her eating food is so much better that she is trying so many new things and loving everything. Her love of books reminds me of my dad and maybe that is something he instilled in her soul. Mariah and Lily can not get enough of her and there are still daily squabbles over her. This tiny human being has brought so much to so many in these past 365 days.  To see my husband fall in love with her was absolutely magical. That everything I told him before she came how your heart just exlpodes he did not believe until he held her for the first time. I remember that moment he looked down at her and than up at me and   with tears in his eyes he just looked at me no words needed to be   exchanged you could read it in his eyes that at that very moment he was experiencing a life changing event. Life happens so quickly one moment you are holding a squishy baby the next moment you are wrangling a one year old out of the cat food. We are still cosleeping and nursing know I have no idea when we are going to stop and she is just not ready yet and quite frankly neither am I. I love our escapes upstairs were we lay quitely together and I get to stroke her hair and breath her in just me and her. This is our life right now and I am absolutely loving it!!!

Time

Time is what we all think about everyday time to do this time to do that.... no time for this no time for that. Sometimes it feel like time stands still minutes feel like hours, hours feel like weeks. There are other instances were time goes by so fast that it is gone in a blink of an eye. Even for me I could of swore I blogged about our summer and vacation because it felt like we were just on it last week but I come on here and realize nope that didn't happen and that it happened four months ago?!!! What, where did four months go? So time brings me to now. Some people live a lifetime decades nine of them to be exact my Nan did just that she lived till she was 92 two months shy of her 93rd birthday. She was granted a full lifetime of memories, happiness,heartache, experiences, and time. She was in plain words awesome see you do not realize how people affected your life until they are gone. You see with my Nan our relationship evolved overtime when I was little she was that grandmother that I swam with in the summers at the pool along with my sister. I remember playing a game where I would dive and swim between her legs superfast and she would laugh and smile and say how fast I was. Her and my Uncle would bring big black trash bags full of toys and her mandatory underwear and socks at christmas. My sister and I would kneel on the couch on Christmas day waiting for them to come over and be amazed at how big those bags were while lookig out the window. She was at every dance recital or performance, graduation and even my sporting events. She was always there. When someone lives as long as my Nan you do take for granted that they will always be there I mean we all know no one can live forever it's more of going through life know without that cheerleader. It is beuatiful now to look back at my relationship with my Nan how it came full cirlce from a little girl to a grown adult. I went many places with my Nan over the years when I was young she was that kind of grandmother. Now as a teen and young adult we were not so close but not because of her doing mine you know that rebellious phase. In my 20's I knew her heart broke for me when I was in a bad marriage. Her advice was to me never live in a house that you can not afford on your own, take yourself where your pocketbook takes you advice from her mother, and you can do bad all by yourself. Nan was a woman of faith said three hours of prayers a day and rarely spoke about her life tragedies. She was a mother who buried 3 children. Just take that in for a minute three children. The weight of that just in words takes my breath away. The first child she lost was stillborn, then her son Jackie when he was in his 30's than my father in his late 50's. I remember her saying once about death she said what are you going to do about it nothing you can do I just put them in my prayers. The stories she would tell abut growing up and the stories of her life were funny amd amusing. I love how my Uncle would tease her especially telling her that my dad was her favorite and she would say I do not have any favorites. Her jokes and one liners would have you belly laughing. Her most famous ones were not a worker her term for someone who does not want to work and is capable and skunk she would watch her soap operas and always say this one is a skunk that one is a skunk. We would watch cbs 48 hours on saturday nights and than the next time I would talk to her we would talk about it and she would automatically say I knew so and so did it he/she was a skunk. My nan was so many wonderful things that I could go on for days about her. Nan hasbeen gone for 2 and a half months and it feels like she has been gone for longer. The last couple of weeks with the holdiays it really just hit me that she is gone. Going over to her house and seeing her sit empty brought me to tears. Being able to pick up the phone (which I could of done more often) and just talk to her. Fuuny the other day I was at work and watched a minute of General Hospital which I have not seen in forever but it was one of Nan's favorite shows the one lady looked like she had a lot of plastic surgery and I thought to myslef omg the next time I talk to Nan I gotta mention this and see what she thinks and ask her how old this lady is. Than I remembered she is not here to ask so I ran in the bathroom at work and cried my eyes out. The other day I just really missed her and cried on and off that whole day. The Golden globes are on right now and I know the next time I would of talked to her she would of said something along the lines of did you see her in that dress or she would say did you get a load of him? I just really miss her I guess. That's grief for you somedays are better than others. For this new year I going to try and not take time for granted. When I get into the house now phone goes on top of the enetrtainment cenetr(needed it for photo opps) and I have not picked it back up until the girls are in bed. I am trying to didvde up my time between them nursing Leah to sleep and than trying to spend time with Lily. Soemtimes it does not happen baby does not cooperate and before I know it it's Lily's bedtime. See everything revolves around this time thing. Time is precious and it should be valued. Just the other day I was nursing Leah in my bed wondering where have her 9 months have gone. It felt like a lifetime to conceive her and now here she is 9 months old already. So I sat there and stroked her face and hair and inhaled her baby scent and just took that time out of my busy day to enjoy that moment.

Infant loss

These two words should never be side by side. Death should never follow birth . This was my biggest fear when I was pregnant. This is why I was scared to buy baby items and decorate a nursery till just weeks before Leah was due. I could not shake the nagging feeling that something was not going to go right. Things did not go right it was not the way I planned and I will post my birth experience in a later post but I brought my baby girl home. Unfortunately some parents do not bring their baby home.

In my  facebook group of balanced translocation pregnant and baby a mommy did not bring her baby home. Everything that I was scared of happening actually happened to someone else.A mommy lived my nightmare that I thought would happen to me. When I heard of what happened to this mommy and baby my heart broke in a million pieces for her. I cried for her when I nursed Leah that evening and a lit a candle like others for her baby that night. I have started this post many times and stopped not knowing what to say. How does one recover from this? How do you try to fix the broken pieces? I do not know this mommy well but to me she is one of the strongest woman I know to be able to get online and share her story is unbelievable. To be able to talk about it I give her a standing ovation. See these are the things that are not talked about. I know we do not know the words to say to people in these times sometimes there are no words to say just to listen. Sometimes it's writing a post on your blog saying I do not know how you feel but my heart breaks for you and your husband. My hope is that this mommy keeps telling her story so she can heal not today not tomorrow but healing does come when you least expect it.

Grief is a journey we have all grieved for something sometime in our lives. Our  journey is ours alone. Grief for me does not get better with time and that's okay. For me it's not the first thing I think about when I wake up anymore but sometimes it is. There are peaks and valleys on this roadway of grief. There is no wrong or right way. Life will never ever be the same.

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Am I the only one..

Who hates their birthday???? It's not the getting older thing I could careless about that. See I think it's because I never had a good birthday. I know my parents threw me parties a few times but in the 80's they were more like kids from the block coming over for ice cream and cake and I had a sleepover party for my 10th birthday party. My mom for my recollection never made a big deal or am I making that up. I sometimes think I must of had some great birthday party and I just do not remember?  My sister who is two years older than me she had  a pac man party and the other time  a wonder woman party. These parties were thrown when we were very young say 6 and under after that birthdays were not a big deal in my house. I think it was my 17th or 18th birthday when my mom actually forgot to even wish me a happy birthday. Again this year no happy birthday from her a text the next day saying she didn't forget it was my birthday just forgot to text. Umm that's forgetting in my book. So now I  actually get very anxious on my birthday it's not posted on fb and usually get through most of the day until my sister will post me a happy birthday on fb then others follow. I usually sit in my room on my birthday and veg out. One year my husband bought me the most awful beach cover up some ugly navy blue cover up I call it my wholesome wear!!! You might be thinking I want people to make a big deal of it but I really don't. This year it was just another day and that was ok for me I made my favorite meal because logistically I wanted to eat at a normal time and waiting for my husband to come home to cook and everything I would be starving. My baby Lil made me a Happy birthday banner and cleaned the downstairs(awesome present). My husband got me card which actually wasn't one of his best he usually picks me out the best birthday cards so this year he didn't oh well. He bought me chocolate protein shake and a shaker thing for it. He wanted to buy me jewelry but told him no. I did ask for some things to be done around the house and he did hang a light downstairs for me so that was one thing I wanted. Still waiting on the back screen  door to be spray painted and rescreened. I dislike my birthday am I weird for this are there others out there?

     This is why I make my kids favorite dinners on their birthdays and get them what they ask for and just make a big deal. This year it wasn't the best  birthdays for my girls because of the pregnancy and the baby. So I will just make sure to make them extra special this year. I did make them their favorite dinner and a cake. My girls are not fans of bakery cake they like homemade the best or pudding pie. I always give them a card reflecting on their last year and some advice for the future. I want them to remember their birthdays even if it was just that their mom made their favorite meal, made cupcakes to bring into school or had a party. I want them to know that their birthday is special because it's the day they came into my life and started their own lives.  

Life is different

Life is different this summer instead of heading to the beach we are at home taking in all the precious moments with Leah. It was kind of weird to be at home on the weekend. I sometimes didn't know what to do with myself!!! Crazy how quick life changes and this is our new world but we wouldn't have it any other way!!! My husband stares at her constantly and just repeats she is the greatest and just  the other day as he was holding her walking around the house I could hear him whisper I waited for you for so long, it brought tears to my eyes. The peace that has overcome me these past weeks is nothing that I have ever felt before. It is something new to me and actually gives me some anxiety that life could be so great and it is. Life is pretty damn good right now. We have settled into my work routine and  since last Friday has started sleeping through the night. She goes down anywhere between 8-9 and wakes up between 4-5am and if I am off that day she will nurse and go back to sleep till 8-9am!!! I am hoping she keeps this up for awhile. Me and Lenny have come to realize though that she likes to be sleeping in a bassinet or bed for her long stretches especially at night. So we have talked and if we do go out with her our night is ending at 7:30 aww the life of parenthood but we do not mind and have not taken her out like that anyways and honestly do not have any plans too. We are happy just staying at home and enjoying her. Life with older children and young infants is hard especially in the summer. Lily goes to her dad's for one week than we have her for a week.  Leah can not be out in the heat all day which limits what we can do as a family. I can not leave her for the day to say go to the beach because realistically I would have to find some where to pump and than store my breast milk and all that and that is just too much for me. So this upcoming weekend I think my husband is going to take her to the waterpark and than I will take her to a movie or may be mini golf and we can get my MIL to watch her so we can all go together. I just tell myself and Lily this is temporary next summer will be different and she is ok with that. Leah will be 4 months on the 19th 4 months where did the time go?? I think when you have such a gap between children and than you have another one it really makes you cherish the time because they grow up so fast!!! My husband said he wishes time would stand still and she would stay this little forever and so do I. So life is different and different isn't always bad sometimes it's so damn good!!!

She celebrated her first 4th of July while I was at work:((( She had her first real belly laugh that day  and that is the most magical sound a baby laughing!!! We fruitlessly tried to get her to do it again to no avail but we tried. Hannah our dog made her laugh, Hannah of all things!!!

1st 4th of July

Loving her fingers yum yum

Reading Dr Suess the Cat in the Hat she loves looking at the pictures

I survived

My first week back at work. Now I do not work a regular 9-5 I work in an Emergency Room in an inner city. So my schedule consist of 2-12hour shifts and 2-8 hour shifts and every third weekend. There are days I am off during the week which is nice. So my first week back I only did 2-8 hour shifts. My first day I was so high strung and anxious that I forgot pieces to my breastpump that thank God my MIL brought to me at work. Pumping isn't bad they have an old office to use with a computer so I get a nice 15 minutes to relax and I usually watch youtube videos. Now when it came time to do my first 12 hour shift I wanted to cry and almost did I missed my Leah so much. Now what I wasn't prepared for was all the bags I have to luge to work everyday and prepping meals and how much earlier I have to wale up. See before I was more of a get up like an hour before I am due in at work not worry about dinner till I get home. The good thing is how much less money I am spending at  work by preparing a weekly meal plan and packing my lunch.

So my heart still hurts and I miss her but it is what it is and we are all adapting to this new routine. Lenny's first time being with Leah solo was this weekend and they did good together. She was restless and missed her mommy though. He said he gained a new appreciation of what it is to be home with her. She would not take a long nap and just took cat naps so he was exhausted when I got home from work and I worked a 12 hour shift that day!!!!

 The weekend of Father's day we got photos taken  of me,Lenny and the baby. Our photographer told us to wait till her 6 month photo shoot to do Lily and Rye with her if we did it now she would look like a sack of potatoes on the picture.  We went to a mansion on the river it was beautiful. It was a nice Father's day gift for my husband we got a lot of great shoots of us here are some

tick tock

Tick tock goes the clock of my maternity leave coming to an end. We literally just got into a routine and bam now we have to get into another one. The anxious feeling that is stuck in my chest and throat  is sometimes no honestly it is overwhelming. She will be in great hands of my awesome loving mother in law who is like a mother to me. I want to be there. I love being at home yes sometimes it's a little mundane but it's awesome. I love nursing her through out the day and how she now looks up at me. Love her giggles and laughs. Love being here constantly for my girls. Love not looking on a calendar and trying to balance. I have been holding her closer lately not wanting to let go. When I think of leaving  tears fill up my eyes and my heart aches.
   I do no want to miss any moments I want to be there for everything. From Leah  rolling over  to award ceremonies at school. All moms want to be there for everything. When we miss something it makes us feel awful. Like this morning when Lily informed me that her end of the year award ceremony is Thursday but I can't go because I have work and needed to have my day off on Friday because   my MIL can not watch the baby that day. Then I remembered that I am running a uniform sale at school that afternoon and do not have a sitter then remembered I have a teenager living here somewhere so she can watch Leah for a few hours. These are the things that make you want to just stay at home and not go back to work. I constantly hear from other working moms it would be so much easier to stay at home. It just really sucks when you can't plain and simple it sucks.
   So I googled about not wanting to go back to work and all I got was crap like if you turn off cable you can stay at home. Like really if all we had to do was clip so damn coupons and shut off cable to be able to stay at home I would be a clipping maniac but that's not how it really works bottom line. Also article after article kept saying live simple and you can stay at home. Well honey we already live simple. If we live any simpler we will be little house on the prairie!!! I did read an article on how hard it is to get back in the work force though when one wants to go back. So I took in account that I carry the benefits for my family, our needs and wants. Kids just get more expensive as they get older Lily is going to need braces next year $$$ and if she goes to a catholic high school which is where she probably will attend our public school system here is scary that costs money. Mariah  has college in three years and so on. Also we like to camp and take vacations. Lily has sports and other activities that cost money. We need a bigger car but we will not get a car payment though. I have also been at my job for 9 years it is flexible. My husband and I do make decent money but I could not consciously take away half our income. Working part time I couldn't do either because of the health benefits I carry for our family. So it's off  to work I go.  My husband reminded me that we are working to give our kids the best that we can give they them. That they have the opportunities we did not have. Now I am not slamming SAHM or people who chose to live without in order to stay at home it works for them. I wish it could be that easy for my family but it's not. Money isn't everything believe me I know I am a simple person and  know from my own experiences that I would rather have someones time and love than money. I wish I could stay at home and find money for braces, tuition, softball, camps, classes,co pays,electric bill,mortgage and so on. I would love to stay at home for every moment but I can't. My other girls survived and they still do hate when I work so parents no it does not get any better. My 15 year old still asks when I have work and when it's my long day she sighs. I just like to think I am setting  a good example and try to make up for lost moments by being the PTA president and running around like a crazy person through the school year, making cupcakes at 9pm, making their favorite dinners, and so much more. Maybe this time around I will really appreciate the time I do  have with Leah because honestly I did not appreciate it both times before. I was in different places those times in my life and right now I am in the best place I have ever been in my life I am married to a wonderful man who is my best friend and I have a partner this time I am not doing this alone so it's awesome. I can honestly enjoy my baby this time so that is what I think makes me want to stay home this time. I was able to stay home with Lily till she was nine months but it was stressful I was broke and dealing with an alcoholic husband at the time. It was just awful so I wasn't able to really enjoy it.  What I am trying to do is to be engaged meaning no more cell phone when they are home from school and just living in the moment because at the end of the day that's are we are all guaranteed that moment at that time. So relish in it, breathe it in and soak it up.

***I will let you all know how I made out going back to work in my next post****

motherless



As mother day passed us by I scoured the Internet to relate to women who are motherless but their moms are still alive. I couldn't find a post or blog. Am I the only one out there?? I can't be can I?
I had a great mother when I was a child a regular suzy homemaker. Seriously she ran her own sewing business from wedding gowns to cabbage patch clothes. She baked cookies every Tuesday. Walked me too dance class, shopping and to the beauty salon. She sung funny songs like on top of spaghetti. She was wonderful and I wanted to be her. Now my household was not the I love you kiss hug house but you knew you were loved. Well most of the time. Tragedy struck my brother the oldest died in a freak lightning accident on the last day of college his senior year at the tender age of 21. I lost my mother that day. I didn't know it at the time but she was gone. She stopped loving that day. Now we still had some fun times went on family vacations and so on. The relationship that was developing between me and mother didn't grow. Somewhere a 9 year old girl is waiting on a relationship with a mother that will never be. Sadness filled my mothers heart simply there is no love to give out. My dreams of having a mother that would be there for me with loving arms just died.There was no guidance from her as a teenager and thank god I didn't turn out that bad. There was never I love you when you said goodbye on the phone. Which I thought was normal until I encountered my friends saying it to their parents. There are no shopping trips or dinner dates with my mom. She can't be bothered. 80% of the time she is a no show on holidays.  What I really set myself up for was how I thought when I had children I would get Suzy back and I did for a short time. What saddens my heart is how my girls have missed out on a grandmother. There are no movie dates, hang out dates, nothing. She has never came to any of my girls sports,religious or school functions. She has seen Leah maybe 3 times. I could easily go without speaking to her for months. Now my mother will buy us anything. While I was in the hospital she got my house organized from top to bottom bought the baby everything from the crib to stroller. I did not ask she insisted and I am very grateful and thankful. But I could have nought these things myself. I would rather of bought everything myself and have a mom who wants to hang out and spend time with me and her grand kids. I grieve for my mom I had when I was a young child I miss her terribly. To be parentless at a young age is devastating. I just wish I had a mom who was interested in my life. I wish I had a mom I could have coffee and bullshit with. Not one who rushes you out of the house 20 minutes after you got there.  I love my mom she would do anything for me what I mean in this post is that I just wish things were different and when you have a dream that something is going to turn out one way and it doesn't its hard that's all. I know she buried a child and there is no greater pain than that but she had 3 other children who needed her as well. I am trying to accept this is who she is and I think I have but it doesn't make it hurt any less. Like I tried to call her today she wouldnt answer just texted me one
word text. I try I really do true. I give up this is how it is. I just miss my mom that I used to bake cookies with and all that other stuff.
  Thank god for my mother in law. She was there everyday in the NICU. She sees the baby numerous times throughout the week and calls to check on us everyday. We talk like best friends. We compare store sales, complain about our husbands the kids, and just shoot the shit.  She is an awesome mother in law and I wish everyone could have a mother in law like her. I think God put her in my life for me to have the mom I wanted and needed. I am thankful for her everyday. For everyone out there who has the great mom thank her hug her text her email her call her you are very lucky.
 What I have learned is that I am different I always make sure I tell my girls I love them. I go to every event up until recently with the baby and all but I only missed like 2 softball games. I volunteer at school and am always checking up on them. Like my oldest says your like tattooed to me. I make their favorite dinners we sit and talk and watch our favorite tv shows.  I vowed to myself a long time ago if the only thing that comes out of this is the I realize how important it is to have a loving relationship with your children. Sometimes it does not come easy but all you can do is try your best and work on it. Just to be present everyday and love your children with all you have is all kids want their mom to do. So always give hugs and kisses goodnight. I even have to remind myself of that because as they get older those kind of things get put to the wayside. So now reflecting on this I will try harder to be present in the moment and give all my girls more kisses and hugs because no matter what age they all need it.

Where did the time go....

This week may 11 is the week of hell for me. To start May 11 mother's day, my sister's bday, Leah's christening. May 13 Lily turn ed 11 and the anniversary of my brother's death. May 14 my dad's bday and May 16 the day he died.

    So we christened Leah on Sunday Mother's Day and it was beautiful. It was and is  amazing to be able to  parent  with my husband the way I want, the way we were both brought up.  My husband is my biggest supporter and cheerleader. He loves that I breastfeed and that makes it so much easier. My baby Lil turned 11 yesterday!!! I remember like it was yesterday holding her in my arms and staring at her when she was just born. She is an outspoken,confident,beautiful girl. Where does the time go?

Today is my dad's birthday. I miss him deeply  painfully miss him. What makes my heartache so deep is what he has missed out on, so many memories. So many times I want to call him  and ask him for advice. He would of loved his grandchildren. God he would of had a ball with them. I miss my dad and think of him everyday. I know people say that but I do, I really do. I think of him when I am at my daughter's softball games thinking he would be there cheering her on. I think of him when the weather first breaks and how he would be running to play golf. Sometimes I think I see him and catch myself stalking the poor man that looks like him. When I hold my precious Leah I yearn for him to be there to relish in another grandaughter. I often thought of my dad when Leah was in the NICU. My dad was the one to pat you on the back and rub his fat sausage fingers on your back when you most needed it. There were times sitting in that chair in the NICU when all was quiet and I would bend my head down and rest my eyes I would feel the pat on my back. When Leah stares and smiles I like to think she sees my dad,brother and my husband's father. It will be 14 years on Friday that my dad has passed. 14 christmas's,birthdays,school plays,father's day,thanksgiving too many things. It feels like yesterday he was here. There are times I have to remind myself that it has been that long. That he has never met Lily or seen my house or me  or my sister get married and so many more things. Where did the time go?

Rainbow and Sunshine

Sorry I haven't posted. Life gets crazy. I will be posting weekly from now on pinky promise.
So Leah Analyse came into this world on March 19, 2014 at 8:38 am via c-section. She weighed 6lb 8oz and 19 inches long. The c-section experince was weird from my vaginal deliveries. I prefer vaginal if any has that question. The recovery from a c-section is much harder for me than my vaginal recovieries. So Leah was born on the day I turned 37 weeks due to a placenta previa.  She had some trouble breathing and was rushed to the NICU. There she ended on the si-pap machine which forces air into your lungs. She later developed   a pnuemothorax (hole on her lung) from breathing so hard that she had to get a chest tube. I was able to hold for a few minutes after my c-section thanks to  great nurses who hospital bed and all wheeled me into the NICU!!! I pumped while in the hospital and had to get out of bed to see her the days after she was born.Oh God they were the hardest physically and mentally. It was such a surreal experience. I felt robbed of the experience I had dreamed of and thought I was going to have. There were no pics of me and hubby  with the  baby or other family members. The girls were not even allowed in the NICU. Sad that a month to the day after she was born on Easter I said to my husband we don't have a`picture of us together.So Easter was our first pic together We still have to get one of us with Mariah and Lil. We said no to visitors except immediate family. I wasn't able to hold her for 2 days. That was the hardest.  We just had to sit there and stare at her in her isolate. What was heartbreaking for me is that I had to watch someone else take care of her. I didn't change her first diaper, I didn't give her, her first feeding. On the the third day or so I was able to hold her and change her diaper. A couple days after that I was able to finally breastfeed her and she did like she was born too and I was so thankful. That was my biggest worry having a c-section I wanted to have skin to skin immediately and nurse immediately. God if I only knew what was to happen.So I was up and out of bed way before I was ready too but there was no other choice.  I feel like having to get out of bed helped me recover so quickly. Having a baby in the NICU is hard emotionally and physically. I had her on Wednesday and was discharged on Sunday. Leaving the hospital without your baby is well there are no words to describe the feelings you feel.  Then when you should be resting you are sitting in the NICU with your baby all day and yes I drove myself to the hospital. Why might you ask first my hubby had work was going to take the week off when Leah came home and two I did not want to be on anyone else's time schedule I wanted to be able to come and go as I wanted. My typical day would be get up take Lil to school then go to hospital then leave at 3:30 pick Lil up from school and cook dinner pump( was pumping every 2 hours as Leah was getting tube feedings) then my hubby would come home from work then we would leave for hospital around 6:30 and stay till 10:30.  So we were beyond exhausted.


The past 6 weeks have been awesome with a dash of sleep deprived. We have wanted and  waited for her for so long. She is beautiful and to see the sparkle she has brought to my husband's eyes is heartwarming  to say  the least. The feelings that I told him about that he would feel that he brushed off he now says omg you were so right and actually more than words can describe.  He is so in love. So are her big sisters Mariah and Lily. They are helpful and love to hold her.The things you forget about having a newborn I feel like a first time mom again well it has been like 11 years. The most awesome thing to watch is my husband with her he is so smitten by her. He is so helpful and supportive and sometimes a worry wort.


So my rainbow baby is here. Every morning we sing songs and our favorite is you are my sunshine. She is our sunshine the happiness she has brought us is unmeasurable. She was worth all the tears, dr appts and prayers.When I am sitting and nursing her I am still in awe like she is her!!! I look at her and reflect on the struggle to get where I am at today what we all went through  for and there are others still going through the journey. Ladies it is worth it when you are broken down on your knees sobbing,screaming,heartbroken. It is worth it. That after every storm there is a rainbow and sunshine!!! I can honestly say and this is hard to admit how I took my other babies for granted, how I sometimes didn't take the time to cherish the moments. How I couldn't wait for them to grow up. Now I am whispering in her ear stay this little and precious forever. Here are some pics of Leah Analyse

Our first picture together

Supersitious

I am superstitious. I feel like an old Jewish Bubby which makes it crazy since I am not Jewish who says don't buy anything till the baby gets here. I am 27 weeks and 4 days. Being honest I still feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. That something horrible is going to happen. We are having a girl and her name is Leah Analyse. My husband wanted his initials so this is what we chose. My uneasiness at times comes across as bitcheness but the real truth is that this seems so unreal. I still can not picture bringing this baby home. Now that she is wiggling around it's the first thing I think of when I open my eyes in the morning. I hold my breath until I feel some type of flutter. Infertility robs you of so much. You think when you get pregnant everything will be happy which to an extent it is but there are those negative thoughts that lightly whisper to you. I just started getting baby items and they are slowly creeping up in the dining room. I keep thinking maybe when everything is in order will those whispers go away? When my house is overflowing with baby items will this anxiety stop? I hope so but probably not until I hold her in my arms.

FB makes it official..,

Today I am 11 weeks pregnant. My first Dr's appointment is next Monday. So I announced on fb that we are expecting. It help me shake the negative feelings that were still floating around in my head. From now on positivity. I have been feeling tired and sometimes nausea and not interested in food, boobs still hurt and my dreams ate crazy!!! Oh peeing  a lot still. So wanting Monday to come tomorrow!!! Till next time!!! Miracles do happen my new mantra!!!