Mariah

 Every child is different. Honestly you parent each child differently. Your first child you are unsure make mistakes which you will still do with subsequent children   also they are not spared by birth order. They are things in your life that contribute to how you parented that child at that time. My first born Mariah has had the pleasure of being on this parenting learning curve with me. I have made mistakes along the way some good some bad but all in all mistskes. The most important part is to learn from them and that I hope I have. Mariah has always been shy from the beginning she hated people holding her and even looking at her. I signed her up for dance lessons thinking that would help well it didn't. Signed her up for sports to help with  the shyness to learn that was also not her thing. Playing video games was  making  friends not so much. She never came home and chatted about kids in her class or made that friend she had to spend every minute with.  She was the child to invite a friend over than an hour later come whisper to me that the friend had to leave she had enough. She did have a love for reading books for a little bit. Even swam on a swim team for one season and than half a season. She never really got into the catty girl chat in school and would come home perplexed that girls would talk about each other just tell them to their face she would say?!! See what I  did not realize was the my child was not just shy but had anxiety. I just chalked it up to she isn't one of the cookie cut neighborhood girls that cheers plays sports hangs out with all these kids etc..That she did not like crowds, or going to amusement parks or ordering food. That these were her quirks. Which they are but they are also extensions of her anxiety. She was never the child to ask for anything not a ice cream from the ice cream truck or a present. I would tell people she was a trying baby but a great toddler always listened never gave me any problems well until she became a teenager. Now looking back it was anxiety she probably did want an ice cream but knew if she asked I would of just handed her a dollar to go get it so instead she just did not ask. Going on a ride would mean handing someone a ticket. That hanging out with a friend is okay for a bit but after a short time it becomes more of a chore for her and even hearing them talk sends her over the edge. That when she is over it she is over it. I think she falls between a shy person and an introvert.

 It is hard when your child does not fit the mold you had imagined. You think they are going to be typical teenagers go out hang out with friends do as their peers. That has never been that way with Mariah she hates clothes shopping but her style was always her own. She would always ask why does every girl wear the same thing as each other? You could never join in on the conversation at work about your childs doings in school with sports or extra curricular activities. I was glad that she was passing. We have had our issues with school failing and just not doing her best. This is the part that scares me where is she headed in life. If she does not go to college what will she do with her life? What do you do for your child when they are so lost in life? As parents we are problem solvers but sometimes the problem is out of our capabilities. How do you convey to your child that her future is important and the mistakes she is making today has such an impact on their future? How do you find your child when they are so lost? How do they find themselves? What do you do when you have done everything? How do you give them answers that you do not have? How did my daughter end up here? Is it my fault? Did I not pay enough attention? Should I have pushed her harder? Should of have gotten out of that terrible marriage years earlier? How do I make up for how others have done her wrong in her life? How do I show her life is hard sometimes honestly it is quite unbearable. There are times in your life when you do not know how you will make it out of bed the next day. Sometimes I do not show any emotion but anger I get this from my mother. It is sometimes hard for me to be anything less than stoic becuase there were many times in my life I had to be that more than I would have liked. There were many times in my life were all there was was me no one to cry too no one to pick me back up and dust me off. I would have loved to be a blubbering mess many of times but who would of took care of Mariah when my father died, when she was born and I was all alone with her or my girls when I was in a horrible marriage? Thank God I was finally able to be that blubbering mess when my Nan died my husband was there to pick me up and dust me off and what a comfort that was knowing I finally had someone to be there for me. My family was not hugs and kisses at all. I try to be that with my girls and I know along the way that has gotten away from me. I just want my first born Mariah to know her worth. That she is worth everything. That I love her even when I am mad at her. I love her when she makes the wrong decisions. I love her when she loves the wrong boy. I love her when she fails. I love her with every breath that I take and with all that I am she made me what I am today a mom. I love her when she plays with Leah. I love her when she shares secrets with Lil. I love when I see her curled up with a book. I love when I know she wants something and has that smirk on her face. I love her from a distance when she needs it. That I do give her tough love and honestly I feel that's all I have given her lately. I pray she finds direction in her life and I can love her without the toughness.