Full circle

My children are literally decades apart from the oldest to the youngest there are nineteen years apart. Every time I birthed my 3 girls I looked into their eyes and whispered I could do this five times over. This time though this was the last time. Oh my god I just admitted that in writing. We got pregnant on a hope and dream. We spent years trying to conceive our third child and we thought we might not get another chance. With me approaching forty this summer we decided last year to start trying never thinkomg we would get pregnant right away but miscarry but than pregnant right away again and stay pregnant. It felt like all summer we held our breaths not really believing this was going to happen. Than I myself have so much anxiety pregnant I really did not enjoy it as much as I should have. We knew it was our last baby and maybe acknowledging that while I was pregnant would of brought too many emotions. I feel like I was born to be a mom and to know that my last pregnancy is my last is heartbreaking and bittersweet. This time I can say that we are done. My pregnancy was the most uncomfortable pregnancy I had endured. I think because I was older and running after a toddler and two teenagers just made it even more exhausting. This suprise baby boy yes a boy after three girls is my last. I actually cried numerous times after I delivered him almost 3 weeks ago my Valentines baby. The thought of never having another child actually takes my breath away and makes my stomach drop into my feet but at the same time I know my heart is full my family is complete. I look back on that naive 20 year old first time Mom and look how far I have come. I have made mistakes second guessed myself been threw a divorce remarried to the love of my life. But I am here still standing do it really shakes me to the core to hold this newborn in my arms and think you are my last sweet boy. I will never again do this newborn season and than I start thinking of all the lasts and seasons I will be doing for the last time. Some I will be glad to be over with others I will try with all my might to hold on. I honestly can’t think of it tooo long or I start bawling my eyes out. I have been a mom for half of my life raising children I can’t even think of what I will do when the last becomes an adult. Will I rejoice or be sad because I have been motherhing so long? I know we never stop being mothers but how do we deal when little hands don’t need you everyday? I guess the only thing to do is really try to soak it in and even when I feel like I can’t keep my eyes open and the two Little’s are crying and both needing me at the same time to know this is a season and with every season it only lasts so long so to enjoy and even hate it on some days but know there are different seasons yet to come.

My cup runneth over

We are now party of six. We gave birth to a little boy on Valentine’s Day. He weighted 7lbs 9 ounces. It was my hardest pregnancy and by far my hardest labor. I cried screamed sang out loud begged for mercy. We didn’t know what we were having so to have a boy after three girls was wonderful. Even though Leah is about to be four you really do forget the newborn phase and to have a toddler And teenagers to take care of too I am just depleted. I am really struggling this time with being exhausted. My oldest kids are almost 5 years apart and Mariah was just an awesome toddler/kid she went to preschool everyday and just was older mentally and physically that what I am dealing with now. Being a mom is so hard but being a mom m to kids of all different ages is even harder in my opinion. While I have to make appointments for everyone run one to practice and than take care of two little kids is just tiring thinking about it. Add running a household to it and put a fork in me I am done. I will miss these days I know when the house is quiet and everyone is living their own lives but right now we are in the trenches and so very tired.

Life gets crazy

Just noticed it has been 2 years since my last post. Wow!!! Life gets busy what can I say. Leah is now 3 we totally weaned from breastfeeding the month she turned 3. Lily is about to graduate 8th grade. Mariah is trying to find herself and she has a job. My husband has a new job that he likes that is closer to home with no traffic so he is happy!!! Me I am just trying to stay afloat with everyone's schedules and being a mom wife etc!!! Life throws you curve balls and it seems when they do I have the itch to write so let me scratch that itch now. One of my dearest oldest best friends passed away from a septic embolism that went from her heart to her brain. She was that friend that you could always count on when things got rough to give you a pep talk. She was there for me when I got pregnant at 19 and many times after that. She was my person!!! Through the years we always kept in touch we might not of talked everyday but if we had a crisis or needed that someone she was always a phone call away. She was larger than life one of a kind and my heart has been heavy since she passed. It has rekindled old friendships for me that I treasure and for that I am grateful. I still can't believe she is gone there was a video someone posted and I couldn't muster the courage to watch it. She literally was the person I called for extreme crisis!! She is the friend you show up to at 3 in the morning wearing all black with a shovel and she would say give me 5 minutes to get my shoes on!!! She saved my ass so many times in my younger years. I will truly miss her. She taught me what a true friend was.

It also didn't help that at this time my friend was dying i was suffering my 11th miscarriage, I honestly didn't have the energy to think about it. I was on the other hand happy that I was able to get pregnant. The month of May brings so many emotions my brother and dads passing mothers day so many emotions. I have felt quiet overwhelmed honestly lately and feel not myself. i have been snappy and feeling on edge and just tired. It's the season I am in I guess with all 3 girls and their schedules and managing a house from cleaning to meal planning to couponing to trying to keep everyone fed and alive while working 40 hours. I think the last 3 years of sleep deprivation has finally caught up to me. My husband is my partner and without him i would be truly lost he picks up where I am lacking he is the taxi of our house and he even accompanies me on my food shopping trips with coupons in toe. I think the reason I am feeling this way is because of my dear friend passing and the month of May. Each year I miss my dad more and more especially that my mom is very absent in my life I know he wouldn't of been absent in our lives and that makes my heart hurt. We are still open to ttc my heart still feels incomplete so I do wish for just 1 more and hopefully God will bless us with one more. How I would love Leah to have a sibling in her age range and I am not getting any younger. So onto the next cycle.

Mariah

 Every child is different. Honestly you parent each child differently. Your first child you are unsure make mistakes which you will still do with subsequent children   also they are not spared by birth order. They are things in your life that contribute to how you parented that child at that time. My first born Mariah has had the pleasure of being on this parenting learning curve with me. I have made mistakes along the way some good some bad but all in all mistskes. The most important part is to learn from them and that I hope I have. Mariah has always been shy from the beginning she hated people holding her and even looking at her. I signed her up for dance lessons thinking that would help well it didn't. Signed her up for sports to help with  the shyness to learn that was also not her thing. Playing video games was  making  friends not so much. She never came home and chatted about kids in her class or made that friend she had to spend every minute with.  She was the child to invite a friend over than an hour later come whisper to me that the friend had to leave she had enough. She did have a love for reading books for a little bit. Even swam on a swim team for one season and than half a season. She never really got into the catty girl chat in school and would come home perplexed that girls would talk about each other just tell them to their face she would say?!! See what I  did not realize was the my child was not just shy but had anxiety. I just chalked it up to she isn't one of the cookie cut neighborhood girls that cheers plays sports hangs out with all these kids etc..That she did not like crowds, or going to amusement parks or ordering food. That these were her quirks. Which they are but they are also extensions of her anxiety. She was never the child to ask for anything not a ice cream from the ice cream truck or a present. I would tell people she was a trying baby but a great toddler always listened never gave me any problems well until she became a teenager. Now looking back it was anxiety she probably did want an ice cream but knew if she asked I would of just handed her a dollar to go get it so instead she just did not ask. Going on a ride would mean handing someone a ticket. That hanging out with a friend is okay for a bit but after a short time it becomes more of a chore for her and even hearing them talk sends her over the edge. That when she is over it she is over it. I think she falls between a shy person and an introvert.

 It is hard when your child does not fit the mold you had imagined. You think they are going to be typical teenagers go out hang out with friends do as their peers. That has never been that way with Mariah she hates clothes shopping but her style was always her own. She would always ask why does every girl wear the same thing as each other? You could never join in on the conversation at work about your childs doings in school with sports or extra curricular activities. I was glad that she was passing. We have had our issues with school failing and just not doing her best. This is the part that scares me where is she headed in life. If she does not go to college what will she do with her life? What do you do for your child when they are so lost in life? As parents we are problem solvers but sometimes the problem is out of our capabilities. How do you convey to your child that her future is important and the mistakes she is making today has such an impact on their future? How do you find your child when they are so lost? How do they find themselves? What do you do when you have done everything? How do you give them answers that you do not have? How did my daughter end up here? Is it my fault? Did I not pay enough attention? Should I have pushed her harder? Should of have gotten out of that terrible marriage years earlier? How do I make up for how others have done her wrong in her life? How do I show her life is hard sometimes honestly it is quite unbearable. There are times in your life when you do not know how you will make it out of bed the next day. Sometimes I do not show any emotion but anger I get this from my mother. It is sometimes hard for me to be anything less than stoic becuase there were many times in my life I had to be that more than I would have liked. There were many times in my life were all there was was me no one to cry too no one to pick me back up and dust me off. I would have loved to be a blubbering mess many of times but who would of took care of Mariah when my father died, when she was born and I was all alone with her or my girls when I was in a horrible marriage? Thank God I was finally able to be that blubbering mess when my Nan died my husband was there to pick me up and dust me off and what a comfort that was knowing I finally had someone to be there for me. My family was not hugs and kisses at all. I try to be that with my girls and I know along the way that has gotten away from me. I just want my first born Mariah to know her worth. That she is worth everything. That I love her even when I am mad at her. I love her when she makes the wrong decisions. I love her when she loves the wrong boy. I love her when she fails. I love her with every breath that I take and with all that I am she made me what I am today a mom. I love her when she plays with Leah. I love her when she shares secrets with Lil. I love when I see her curled up with a book. I love when I know she wants something and has that smirk on her face. I love her from a distance when she needs it. That I do give her tough love and honestly I feel that's all I have given her lately. I pray she finds direction in her life and I can love her without the toughness.  

One Whole Year

It has been 365 days, 52 weeks, 12 months and countless minutes and hours that Leah has been in our lives yet I can not imagine life before her. She was an answer to many prayers. There were so many tears shed for her before she was even conceived. There are a couple things infertility does give you, it is the appreciation for this tiny human being. Now I am not saying I never appreciated my other children but I did take them and the experience for granted. I did slow down and savor the moments this time.  It was like I parented through a different set of  eyes this time and it was so beautiful to see and experience. I have mentioned before in my other posts about this time being so different for me I feel like this time I was able to enjoy this experience of being a mom actually it was the first time I  felt like a mom to a newborn. Let's just say in my prior times parenting a newborn was not enjoyable because of the situations I was in and I do feel guilty for that. I feel cheated because this past year has been so magical and awesome. Maybe that is why I paid such close attention to it. Maybe that is why I held her a little tighter and enjoyed her. I think also age has something to do with it I was young with my other 2 daughters in a bad marriage and well you get the idea. This time I felt so ready especially with my husband who is just an incredible person to go through this with. I mean what woman's heart would not swoon when everytime Leah did something new my husband would get choked up and tears would well up in his eyes. God I love that man. When you have a partner who is so on your page with you and just is so in awe of this tiny human being it makes it so much more beautiful. I was able to work full time and breastfeed Leah and it has been  one of the most life changing experiences of my life along with such an encouraging husband by my side while doing it. It has been a year of firsts for so many things. I wish I could keep her this little forever. Her personality is starting to surface and lets just say she is a feisty one. The clinging has begun snd she is defintely  a level 10 clinger. She literally grabs my ankles and does not let go. Her belly laugh is contagious. Her smile delightful. Her curiosity sometimes gets her into trouble. Her eating food is so much better that she is trying so many new things and loving everything. Her love of books reminds me of my dad and maybe that is something he instilled in her soul. Mariah and Lily can not get enough of her and there are still daily squabbles over her. This tiny human being has brought so much to so many in these past 365 days.  To see my husband fall in love with her was absolutely magical. That everything I told him before she came how your heart just exlpodes he did not believe until he held her for the first time. I remember that moment he looked down at her and than up at me and   with tears in his eyes he just looked at me no words needed to be   exchanged you could read it in his eyes that at that very moment he was experiencing a life changing event. Life happens so quickly one moment you are holding a squishy baby the next moment you are wrangling a one year old out of the cat food. We are still cosleeping and nursing know I have no idea when we are going to stop and she is just not ready yet and quite frankly neither am I. I love our escapes upstairs were we lay quitely together and I get to stroke her hair and breath her in just me and her. This is our life right now and I am absolutely loving it!!!

Time

Time is what we all think about everyday time to do this time to do that.... no time for this no time for that. Sometimes it feel like time stands still minutes feel like hours, hours feel like weeks. There are other instances were time goes by so fast that it is gone in a blink of an eye. Even for me I could of swore I blogged about our summer and vacation because it felt like we were just on it last week but I come on here and realize nope that didn't happen and that it happened four months ago?!!! What, where did four months go? So time brings me to now. Some people live a lifetime decades nine of them to be exact my Nan did just that she lived till she was 92 two months shy of her 93rd birthday. She was granted a full lifetime of memories, happiness,heartache, experiences, and time. She was in plain words awesome see you do not realize how people affected your life until they are gone. You see with my Nan our relationship evolved overtime when I was little she was that grandmother that I swam with in the summers at the pool along with my sister. I remember playing a game where I would dive and swim between her legs superfast and she would laugh and smile and say how fast I was. Her and my Uncle would bring big black trash bags full of toys and her mandatory underwear and socks at christmas. My sister and I would kneel on the couch on Christmas day waiting for them to come over and be amazed at how big those bags were while lookig out the window. She was at every dance recital or performance, graduation and even my sporting events. She was always there. When someone lives as long as my Nan you do take for granted that they will always be there I mean we all know no one can live forever it's more of going through life know without that cheerleader. It is beuatiful now to look back at my relationship with my Nan how it came full cirlce from a little girl to a grown adult. I went many places with my Nan over the years when I was young she was that kind of grandmother. Now as a teen and young adult we were not so close but not because of her doing mine you know that rebellious phase. In my 20's I knew her heart broke for me when I was in a bad marriage. Her advice was to me never live in a house that you can not afford on your own, take yourself where your pocketbook takes you advice from her mother, and you can do bad all by yourself. Nan was a woman of faith said three hours of prayers a day and rarely spoke about her life tragedies. She was a mother who buried 3 children. Just take that in for a minute three children. The weight of that just in words takes my breath away. The first child she lost was stillborn, then her son Jackie when he was in his 30's than my father in his late 50's. I remember her saying once about death she said what are you going to do about it nothing you can do I just put them in my prayers. The stories she would tell abut growing up and the stories of her life were funny amd amusing. I love how my Uncle would tease her especially telling her that my dad was her favorite and she would say I do not have any favorites. Her jokes and one liners would have you belly laughing. Her most famous ones were not a worker her term for someone who does not want to work and is capable and skunk she would watch her soap operas and always say this one is a skunk that one is a skunk. We would watch cbs 48 hours on saturday nights and than the next time I would talk to her we would talk about it and she would automatically say I knew so and so did it he/she was a skunk. My nan was so many wonderful things that I could go on for days about her. Nan hasbeen gone for 2 and a half months and it feels like she has been gone for longer. The last couple of weeks with the holdiays it really just hit me that she is gone. Going over to her house and seeing her sit empty brought me to tears. Being able to pick up the phone (which I could of done more often) and just talk to her. Fuuny the other day I was at work and watched a minute of General Hospital which I have not seen in forever but it was one of Nan's favorite shows the one lady looked like she had a lot of plastic surgery and I thought to myslef omg the next time I talk to Nan I gotta mention this and see what she thinks and ask her how old this lady is. Than I remembered she is not here to ask so I ran in the bathroom at work and cried my eyes out. The other day I just really missed her and cried on and off that whole day. The Golden globes are on right now and I know the next time I would of talked to her she would of said something along the lines of did you see her in that dress or she would say did you get a load of him? I just really miss her I guess. That's grief for you somedays are better than others. For this new year I going to try and not take time for granted. When I get into the house now phone goes on top of the enetrtainment cenetr(needed it for photo opps) and I have not picked it back up until the girls are in bed. I am trying to didvde up my time between them nursing Leah to sleep and than trying to spend time with Lily. Soemtimes it does not happen baby does not cooperate and before I know it it's Lily's bedtime. See everything revolves around this time thing. Time is precious and it should be valued. Just the other day I was nursing Leah in my bed wondering where have her 9 months have gone. It felt like a lifetime to conceive her and now here she is 9 months old already. So I sat there and stroked her face and hair and inhaled her baby scent and just took that time out of my busy day to enjoy that moment.

Infant loss

These two words should never be side by side. Death should never follow birth . This was my biggest fear when I was pregnant. This is why I was scared to buy baby items and decorate a nursery till just weeks before Leah was due. I could not shake the nagging feeling that something was not going to go right. Things did not go right it was not the way I planned and I will post my birth experience in a later post but I brought my baby girl home. Unfortunately some parents do not bring their baby home.

In my  facebook group of balanced translocation pregnant and baby a mommy did not bring her baby home. Everything that I was scared of happening actually happened to someone else.A mommy lived my nightmare that I thought would happen to me. When I heard of what happened to this mommy and baby my heart broke in a million pieces for her. I cried for her when I nursed Leah that evening and a lit a candle like others for her baby that night. I have started this post many times and stopped not knowing what to say. How does one recover from this? How do you try to fix the broken pieces? I do not know this mommy well but to me she is one of the strongest woman I know to be able to get online and share her story is unbelievable. To be able to talk about it I give her a standing ovation. See these are the things that are not talked about. I know we do not know the words to say to people in these times sometimes there are no words to say just to listen. Sometimes it's writing a post on your blog saying I do not know how you feel but my heart breaks for you and your husband. My hope is that this mommy keeps telling her story so she can heal not today not tomorrow but healing does come when you least expect it.

Grief is a journey we have all grieved for something sometime in our lives. Our  journey is ours alone. Grief for me does not get better with time and that's okay. For me it's not the first thing I think about when I wake up anymore but sometimes it is. There are peaks and valleys on this roadway of grief. There is no wrong or right way. Life will never ever be the same.