Picture day

See my little girl has a thing for her clothes she likes to pick them out herself and likes certain ones. Leah always wants to wear fuzzy pants and shirts meaning fleece. She sees one color of something in a pant and shirt they match even if they don’t. She hates being cold and is adamant on wearing pants under dresses until we had a lengthy conversation that you do not have too and she believed afterwards. The other night she tried on a new nightgown that had that new style with the shoulders that come down and she screamed it was broken. So off that went she said she might try it back on in 3 weeks. Her words exactly. That she doesn’t really get the concept of Capri pants so she takes her little feet and tries to push down the pants to meet her ankles and when she realizes that doesn’t work it’s off with the pants. That the line in her socks has to sit in a certain position across her toes. The thing is after I have mothered for as long as I have I don’t care what her outfits look like as long as they are clean. That it’s her personality shining through. That I do not have to make excuses for her like oh hey she dressed herself today and have that look on my face like yikes. Picture day was this week all the girls were dressed up in dresses and really cute outfits. As I looked at them it had me wondering how do they do it? Do the girls pick out these outfits and bows? Are they thrust upon by moms? I would love if Leah wore what I picked out for her but she doesn’t she dresses to the beat of her own fashion sense I guess you could say. I could lay out two outfits that match and she would switch the shirts and pants between the two and come up with something of her own liking. So on picture day Leah wore her favorite cheetah pants and a shirt that matched in her fashion opinion and she did put a headband in her hair. Now could I demand she wear an outfit of my choice with crying and screaming ensuing,but guess what it’s her choice her idea, it’s what makes her comfortable and feel pretty. When we look back years from now we will say you sure did have a style about you that hopefully sticks with her. I have always let my kids express themselves one summer my oldest was obsessed with Spiderman so we shopped the boys section that year and she was even Spider-Man for Halloween. Guess what I am saying is don’t get hung up on what you think your kids should look like. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter. What matters is that they are confident. I hope by letting her express herself she builds the confidence everyone needs in life. I hope she never loses her fashion sense!!!

This time it’s so hard

Every time is different. I have become a mom 4 times over and every time has been different in every way. From the birth to the parenting style I had. I am just so tired a tired that sleep wouldn’t even help. My mind is functioning for 6 people now. I have said 1 million times to the 4 year old since the baby has been born please stop squishing your brother and for the love of god stop touching his face!!! I have mothered 3 girls all different. I am a mom boy for the first time. I suffered from the baby blues for the first time and post partum anxiety. I physically and mentally suffered from the birth of this baby. I had given birth 2 times vaginally before and they were both different but this time the pain was something out of this world and recovering afterwards was the hardest. I was sad this time about how the birth went and this being my last. That he has done this choking and gagging thing since birth that has my anxiety level so high that I went out and got a monitor for him for when he is sleeping. That he nursed sometimes all day and my four year old has regressed somewhat. That this winter was long and seemed like it was never ending so cabin fever set in for the 4 year old. That my mind is constantly running and thinking and I can’t shut it off. That it’s 1:30 in the morning and I can’t fall asleep. That at this very moment life is hard. I miss my husband. I want sleep. I am starving all day from nursing. I can’t keep up on the wash. Going grocery shopping is like an Olympic event these days how fast and efficient I can be?!!! Meal planning every week thinking of new meals not incorporating old ones too many times. Did I remember the ingredient for the said new meal? Mothering two teenage girls is hard. They aren’t as vocal as the Little’s so I have to keep my eye out for signs that something maybe wrong and sometimes there is. It’s the hey you look like there is something wrong and the teenager vents her frustrations with whatever friends, school m, or boyfriend I listen and try to listen while nursing the baby or tending to the 4 year old or yelling at the 4 year old. I try to give advice that goes one of 2 ways they either listen and take it or look at me like shut up!!! And did I mention to I have a husband in this house somewhere? He parents just as hard as me and gets pulled in 80 directions throughout the day but reality I run this ship and how we do it works. He is the main chauffeur and Softball attending parent right now that’s 4 times a week. Than he has his mr fix it jobs for the house and he spends extra time with the 4 year old that I can’t. But he can’t lactate so that is my job and it is demanding. Writing this I just realized I didn’t pump yet today damn it!!! I am returning to work in less than 2 weeks and my anxiety is at an all time high. How will baby be without me all day? Will he take the bottle all day or want me? Will everyone pitch in and work together as a family or will I get calls at Work that someone didn’t do something and than that person isn’t going to do what they were asked to do???? How more tired will I be? Will I pump enough? Will the baby settle for my husband? How will we do softball games when I have work? Has anyone seen my husband? If you do tell him I love him and we will look back at this time in our lives as one of the best but right now I could sleep for 24 hours straight!!! Now I go to get to that wash before I have to wash it again!!!

My toddler is gone

The toddler days are behind us according to google at age 4 you are officially a preschooler. Instead of stroller walks it’s scooter walks or bike walks around the neighborhood. You found your voice and now tell me what you want for lunch. You pick out your own outfits as you know what you want and what you like and no one can change your mind. There are days that you still want me to rock you like a baby and I do happily. Bedtime is still a learning curve as your world was turned upside by the arrival of your brother. See we had this thing me and you, I would get a shower than daddy would give you a bath, you would than hop in my bed and we would read books than drift off to sleep watching Roseanne together. With the addition of this little guy that hasn’t been able to happen and I miss those nights me and you. We had so much fun in those toddler days. From our first time at playgroup to all the storytimes at all the different libraries. The days were long my sweeet little girl but the years were so short. You have been my buddy these past three years everyday has been an adventure. Some of the days were not fun like the tantrums and negotiating with a toddler is a task in itself. Each year I have to let you spread your wings a little more but my heart breaks more with each year. I watched you as you nervously walked into preschool this year and I held that little hand and gave you reassurance that I would wait in the living room as you called it and I would be right here when school was over. Now 6 months later you walk in sometimes not even kissing me goodbye. How do we let go of these little human beings so quick just a couple years at home and than they are in school? Lately the question.How did 3 years go by so fast? Leah you are turning four tomorrow and I want to keep you 3 forever!!! Like you said to me yesterday Mom you are my best friend. Not going to lie 3 wasn’t easy there were tantrums, tears, defiance but there was also laughter, questions and growing. You have started asking why a lot more lately about everything. There are still so many firsts still to come for you baby girl. Keep being funny, pick out your own outfits, artistic and dancing girl you are!!!

Full circle

My children are literally decades apart from the oldest to the youngest there are nineteen years apart. Every time I birthed my 3 girls I looked into their eyes and whispered I could do this five times over. This time though this was the last time. Oh my god I just admitted that in writing. We got pregnant on a hope and dream. We spent years trying to conceive our third child and we thought we might not get another chance. With me approaching forty this summer we decided last year to start trying never thinkomg we would get pregnant right away but miscarry but than pregnant right away again and stay pregnant. It felt like all summer we held our breaths not really believing this was going to happen. Than I myself have so much anxiety pregnant I really did not enjoy it as much as I should have. We knew it was our last baby and maybe acknowledging that while I was pregnant would of brought too many emotions. I feel like I was born to be a mom and to know that my last pregnancy is my last is heartbreaking and bittersweet. This time I can say that we are done. My pregnancy was the most uncomfortable pregnancy I had endured. I think because I was older and running after a toddler and two teenagers just made it even more exhausting. This suprise baby boy yes a boy after three girls is my last. I actually cried numerous times after I delivered him almost 3 weeks ago my Valentines baby. The thought of never having another child actually takes my breath away and makes my stomach drop into my feet but at the same time I know my heart is full my family is complete. I look back on that naive 20 year old first time Mom and look how far I have come. I have made mistakes second guessed myself been threw a divorce remarried to the love of my life. But I am here still standing do it really shakes me to the core to hold this newborn in my arms and think you are my last sweet boy. I will never again do this newborn season and than I start thinking of all the lasts and seasons I will be doing for the last time. Some I will be glad to be over with others I will try with all my might to hold on. I honestly can’t think of it tooo long or I start bawling my eyes out. I have been a mom for half of my life raising children I can’t even think of what I will do when the last becomes an adult. Will I rejoice or be sad because I have been motherhing so long? I know we never stop being mothers but how do we deal when little hands don’t need you everyday? I guess the only thing to do is really try to soak it in and even when I feel like I can’t keep my eyes open and the two Little’s are crying and both needing me at the same time to know this is a season and with every season it only lasts so long so to enjoy and even hate it on some days but know there are different seasons yet to come.

My cup runneth over

We are now party of six. We gave birth to a little boy on Valentine’s Day. He weighted 7lbs 9 ounces. It was my hardest pregnancy and by far my hardest labor. I cried screamed sang out loud begged for mercy. We didn’t know what we were having so to have a boy after three girls was wonderful. Even though Leah is about to be four you really do forget the newborn phase and to have a toddler And teenagers to take care of too I am just depleted. I am really struggling this time with being exhausted. My oldest kids are almost 5 years apart and Mariah was just an awesome toddler/kid she went to preschool everyday and just was older mentally and physically that what I am dealing with now. Being a mom is so hard but being a mom m to kids of all different ages is even harder in my opinion. While I have to make appointments for everyone run one to practice and than take care of two little kids is just tiring thinking about it. Add running a household to it and put a fork in me I am done. I will miss these days I know when the house is quiet and everyone is living their own lives but right now we are in the trenches and so very tired.

Life gets crazy

Just noticed it has been 2 years since my last post. Wow!!! Life gets busy what can I say. Leah is now 3 we totally weaned from breastfeeding the month she turned 3. Lily is about to graduate 8th grade. Mariah is trying to find herself and she has a job. My husband has a new job that he likes that is closer to home with no traffic so he is happy!!! Me I am just trying to stay afloat with everyone's schedules and being a mom wife etc!!! Life throws you curve balls and it seems when they do I have the itch to write so let me scratch that itch now. One of my dearest oldest best friends passed away from a septic embolism that went from her heart to her brain. She was that friend that you could always count on when things got rough to give you a pep talk. She was there for me when I got pregnant at 19 and many times after that. She was my person!!! Through the years we always kept in touch we might not of talked everyday but if we had a crisis or needed that someone she was always a phone call away. She was larger than life one of a kind and my heart has been heavy since she passed. It has rekindled old friendships for me that I treasure and for that I am grateful. I still can't believe she is gone there was a video someone posted and I couldn't muster the courage to watch it. She literally was the person I called for extreme crisis!! She is the friend you show up to at 3 in the morning wearing all black with a shovel and she would say give me 5 minutes to get my shoes on!!! She saved my ass so many times in my younger years. I will truly miss her. She taught me what a true friend was.

It also didn't help that at this time my friend was dying i was suffering my 11th miscarriage, I honestly didn't have the energy to think about it. I was on the other hand happy that I was able to get pregnant. The month of May brings so many emotions my brother and dads passing mothers day so many emotions. I have felt quiet overwhelmed honestly lately and feel not myself. i have been snappy and feeling on edge and just tired. It's the season I am in I guess with all 3 girls and their schedules and managing a house from cleaning to meal planning to couponing to trying to keep everyone fed and alive while working 40 hours. I think the last 3 years of sleep deprivation has finally caught up to me. My husband is my partner and without him i would be truly lost he picks up where I am lacking he is the taxi of our house and he even accompanies me on my food shopping trips with coupons in toe. I think the reason I am feeling this way is because of my dear friend passing and the month of May. Each year I miss my dad more and more especially that my mom is very absent in my life I know he wouldn't of been absent in our lives and that makes my heart hurt. We are still open to ttc my heart still feels incomplete so I do wish for just 1 more and hopefully God will bless us with one more. How I would love Leah to have a sibling in her age range and I am not getting any younger. So onto the next cycle.

Mariah

 Every child is different. Honestly you parent each child differently. Your first child you are unsure make mistakes which you will still do with subsequent children   also they are not spared by birth order. They are things in your life that contribute to how you parented that child at that time. My first born Mariah has had the pleasure of being on this parenting learning curve with me. I have made mistakes along the way some good some bad but all in all mistskes. The most important part is to learn from them and that I hope I have. Mariah has always been shy from the beginning she hated people holding her and even looking at her. I signed her up for dance lessons thinking that would help well it didn't. Signed her up for sports to help with  the shyness to learn that was also not her thing. Playing video games was  making  friends not so much. She never came home and chatted about kids in her class or made that friend she had to spend every minute with.  She was the child to invite a friend over than an hour later come whisper to me that the friend had to leave she had enough. She did have a love for reading books for a little bit. Even swam on a swim team for one season and than half a season. She never really got into the catty girl chat in school and would come home perplexed that girls would talk about each other just tell them to their face she would say?!! See what I  did not realize was the my child was not just shy but had anxiety. I just chalked it up to she isn't one of the cookie cut neighborhood girls that cheers plays sports hangs out with all these kids etc..That she did not like crowds, or going to amusement parks or ordering food. That these were her quirks. Which they are but they are also extensions of her anxiety. She was never the child to ask for anything not a ice cream from the ice cream truck or a present. I would tell people she was a trying baby but a great toddler always listened never gave me any problems well until she became a teenager. Now looking back it was anxiety she probably did want an ice cream but knew if she asked I would of just handed her a dollar to go get it so instead she just did not ask. Going on a ride would mean handing someone a ticket. That hanging out with a friend is okay for a bit but after a short time it becomes more of a chore for her and even hearing them talk sends her over the edge. That when she is over it she is over it. I think she falls between a shy person and an introvert.

 It is hard when your child does not fit the mold you had imagined. You think they are going to be typical teenagers go out hang out with friends do as their peers. That has never been that way with Mariah she hates clothes shopping but her style was always her own. She would always ask why does every girl wear the same thing as each other? You could never join in on the conversation at work about your childs doings in school with sports or extra curricular activities. I was glad that she was passing. We have had our issues with school failing and just not doing her best. This is the part that scares me where is she headed in life. If she does not go to college what will she do with her life? What do you do for your child when they are so lost in life? As parents we are problem solvers but sometimes the problem is out of our capabilities. How do you convey to your child that her future is important and the mistakes she is making today has such an impact on their future? How do you find your child when they are so lost? How do they find themselves? What do you do when you have done everything? How do you give them answers that you do not have? How did my daughter end up here? Is it my fault? Did I not pay enough attention? Should I have pushed her harder? Should of have gotten out of that terrible marriage years earlier? How do I make up for how others have done her wrong in her life? How do I show her life is hard sometimes honestly it is quite unbearable. There are times in your life when you do not know how you will make it out of bed the next day. Sometimes I do not show any emotion but anger I get this from my mother. It is sometimes hard for me to be anything less than stoic becuase there were many times in my life I had to be that more than I would have liked. There were many times in my life were all there was was me no one to cry too no one to pick me back up and dust me off. I would have loved to be a blubbering mess many of times but who would of took care of Mariah when my father died, when she was born and I was all alone with her or my girls when I was in a horrible marriage? Thank God I was finally able to be that blubbering mess when my Nan died my husband was there to pick me up and dust me off and what a comfort that was knowing I finally had someone to be there for me. My family was not hugs and kisses at all. I try to be that with my girls and I know along the way that has gotten away from me. I just want my first born Mariah to know her worth. That she is worth everything. That I love her even when I am mad at her. I love her when she makes the wrong decisions. I love her when she loves the wrong boy. I love her when she fails. I love her with every breath that I take and with all that I am she made me what I am today a mom. I love her when she plays with Leah. I love her when she shares secrets with Lil. I love when I see her curled up with a book. I love when I know she wants something and has that smirk on her face. I love her from a distance when she needs it. That I do give her tough love and honestly I feel that's all I have given her lately. I pray she finds direction in her life and I can love her without the toughness.