Time

Time is what we all think about everyday time to do this time to do that.... no time for this no time for that. Sometimes it feel like time stands still minutes feel like hours, hours feel like weeks. There are other instances were time goes by so fast that it is gone in a blink of an eye. Even for me I could of swore I blogged about our summer and vacation because it felt like we were just on it last week but I come on here and realize nope that didn't happen and that it happened four months ago?!!! What, where did four months go? So time brings me to now. Some people live a lifetime decades nine of them to be exact my Nan did just that she lived till she was 92 two months shy of her 93rd birthday. She was granted a full lifetime of memories, happiness,heartache, experiences, and time. She was in plain words awesome see you do not realize how people affected your life until they are gone. You see with my Nan our relationship evolved overtime when I was little she was that grandmother that I swam with in the summers at the pool along with my sister. I remember playing a game where I would dive and swim between her legs superfast and she would laugh and smile and say how fast I was. Her and my Uncle would bring big black trash bags full of toys and her mandatory underwear and socks at christmas. My sister and I would kneel on the couch on Christmas day waiting for them to come over and be amazed at how big those bags were while lookig out the window. She was at every dance recital or performance, graduation and even my sporting events. She was always there. When someone lives as long as my Nan you do take for granted that they will always be there I mean we all know no one can live forever it's more of going through life know without that cheerleader. It is beuatiful now to look back at my relationship with my Nan how it came full cirlce from a little girl to a grown adult. I went many places with my Nan over the years when I was young she was that kind of grandmother. Now as a teen and young adult we were not so close but not because of her doing mine you know that rebellious phase. In my 20's I knew her heart broke for me when I was in a bad marriage. Her advice was to me never live in a house that you can not afford on your own, take yourself where your pocketbook takes you advice from her mother, and you can do bad all by yourself. Nan was a woman of faith said three hours of prayers a day and rarely spoke about her life tragedies. She was a mother who buried 3 children. Just take that in for a minute three children. The weight of that just in words takes my breath away. The first child she lost was stillborn, then her son Jackie when he was in his 30's than my father in his late 50's. I remember her saying once about death she said what are you going to do about it nothing you can do I just put them in my prayers. The stories she would tell abut growing up and the stories of her life were funny amd amusing. I love how my Uncle would tease her especially telling her that my dad was her favorite and she would say I do not have any favorites. Her jokes and one liners would have you belly laughing. Her most famous ones were not a worker her term for someone who does not want to work and is capable and skunk she would watch her soap operas and always say this one is a skunk that one is a skunk. We would watch cbs 48 hours on saturday nights and than the next time I would talk to her we would talk about it and she would automatically say I knew so and so did it he/she was a skunk. My nan was so many wonderful things that I could go on for days about her. Nan hasbeen gone for 2 and a half months and it feels like she has been gone for longer. The last couple of weeks with the holdiays it really just hit me that she is gone. Going over to her house and seeing her sit empty brought me to tears. Being able to pick up the phone (which I could of done more often) and just talk to her. Fuuny the other day I was at work and watched a minute of General Hospital which I have not seen in forever but it was one of Nan's favorite shows the one lady looked like she had a lot of plastic surgery and I thought to myslef omg the next time I talk to Nan I gotta mention this and see what she thinks and ask her how old this lady is. Than I remembered she is not here to ask so I ran in the bathroom at work and cried my eyes out. The other day I just really missed her and cried on and off that whole day. The Golden globes are on right now and I know the next time I would of talked to her she would of said something along the lines of did you see her in that dress or she would say did you get a load of him? I just really miss her I guess. That's grief for you somedays are better than others. For this new year I going to try and not take time for granted. When I get into the house now phone goes on top of the enetrtainment cenetr(needed it for photo opps) and I have not picked it back up until the girls are in bed. I am trying to didvde up my time between them nursing Leah to sleep and than trying to spend time with Lily. Soemtimes it does not happen baby does not cooperate and before I know it it's Lily's bedtime. See everything revolves around this time thing. Time is precious and it should be valued. Just the other day I was nursing Leah in my bed wondering where have her 9 months have gone. It felt like a lifetime to conceive her and now here she is 9 months old already. So I sat there and stroked her face and hair and inhaled her baby scent and just took that time out of my busy day to enjoy that moment.

Infant loss

These two words should never be side by side. Death should never follow birth . This was my biggest fear when I was pregnant. This is why I was scared to buy baby items and decorate a nursery till just weeks before Leah was due. I could not shake the nagging feeling that something was not going to go right. Things did not go right it was not the way I planned and I will post my birth experience in a later post but I brought my baby girl home. Unfortunately some parents do not bring their baby home.

In my  facebook group of balanced translocation pregnant and baby a mommy did not bring her baby home. Everything that I was scared of happening actually happened to someone else.A mommy lived my nightmare that I thought would happen to me. When I heard of what happened to this mommy and baby my heart broke in a million pieces for her. I cried for her when I nursed Leah that evening and a lit a candle like others for her baby that night. I have started this post many times and stopped not knowing what to say. How does one recover from this? How do you try to fix the broken pieces? I do not know this mommy well but to me she is one of the strongest woman I know to be able to get online and share her story is unbelievable. To be able to talk about it I give her a standing ovation. See these are the things that are not talked about. I know we do not know the words to say to people in these times sometimes there are no words to say just to listen. Sometimes it's writing a post on your blog saying I do not know how you feel but my heart breaks for you and your husband. My hope is that this mommy keeps telling her story so she can heal not today not tomorrow but healing does come when you least expect it.

Grief is a journey we have all grieved for something sometime in our lives. Our  journey is ours alone. Grief for me does not get better with time and that's okay. For me it's not the first thing I think about when I wake up anymore but sometimes it is. There are peaks and valleys on this roadway of grief. There is no wrong or right way. Life will never ever be the same.

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Am I the only one..

Who hates their birthday???? It's not the getting older thing I could careless about that. See I think it's because I never had a good birthday. I know my parents threw me parties a few times but in the 80's they were more like kids from the block coming over for ice cream and cake and I had a sleepover party for my 10th birthday party. My mom for my recollection never made a big deal or am I making that up. I sometimes think I must of had some great birthday party and I just do not remember?  My sister who is two years older than me she had  a pac man party and the other time  a wonder woman party. These parties were thrown when we were very young say 6 and under after that birthdays were not a big deal in my house. I think it was my 17th or 18th birthday when my mom actually forgot to even wish me a happy birthday. Again this year no happy birthday from her a text the next day saying she didn't forget it was my birthday just forgot to text. Umm that's forgetting in my book. So now I  actually get very anxious on my birthday it's not posted on fb and usually get through most of the day until my sister will post me a happy birthday on fb then others follow. I usually sit in my room on my birthday and veg out. One year my husband bought me the most awful beach cover up some ugly navy blue cover up I call it my wholesome wear!!! You might be thinking I want people to make a big deal of it but I really don't. This year it was just another day and that was ok for me I made my favorite meal because logistically I wanted to eat at a normal time and waiting for my husband to come home to cook and everything I would be starving. My baby Lil made me a Happy birthday banner and cleaned the downstairs(awesome present). My husband got me card which actually wasn't one of his best he usually picks me out the best birthday cards so this year he didn't oh well. He bought me chocolate protein shake and a shaker thing for it. He wanted to buy me jewelry but told him no. I did ask for some things to be done around the house and he did hang a light downstairs for me so that was one thing I wanted. Still waiting on the back screen  door to be spray painted and rescreened. I dislike my birthday am I weird for this are there others out there?

     This is why I make my kids favorite dinners on their birthdays and get them what they ask for and just make a big deal. This year it wasn't the best  birthdays for my girls because of the pregnancy and the baby. So I will just make sure to make them extra special this year. I did make them their favorite dinner and a cake. My girls are not fans of bakery cake they like homemade the best or pudding pie. I always give them a card reflecting on their last year and some advice for the future. I want them to remember their birthdays even if it was just that their mom made their favorite meal, made cupcakes to bring into school or had a party. I want them to know that their birthday is special because it's the day they came into my life and started their own lives.  

Life is different

Life is different this summer instead of heading to the beach we are at home taking in all the precious moments with Leah. It was kind of weird to be at home on the weekend. I sometimes didn't know what to do with myself!!! Crazy how quick life changes and this is our new world but we wouldn't have it any other way!!! My husband stares at her constantly and just repeats she is the greatest and just  the other day as he was holding her walking around the house I could hear him whisper I waited for you for so long, it brought tears to my eyes. The peace that has overcome me these past weeks is nothing that I have ever felt before. It is something new to me and actually gives me some anxiety that life could be so great and it is. Life is pretty damn good right now. We have settled into my work routine and  since last Friday has started sleeping through the night. She goes down anywhere between 8-9 and wakes up between 4-5am and if I am off that day she will nurse and go back to sleep till 8-9am!!! I am hoping she keeps this up for awhile. Me and Lenny have come to realize though that she likes to be sleeping in a bassinet or bed for her long stretches especially at night. So we have talked and if we do go out with her our night is ending at 7:30 aww the life of parenthood but we do not mind and have not taken her out like that anyways and honestly do not have any plans too. We are happy just staying at home and enjoying her. Life with older children and young infants is hard especially in the summer. Lily goes to her dad's for one week than we have her for a week.  Leah can not be out in the heat all day which limits what we can do as a family. I can not leave her for the day to say go to the beach because realistically I would have to find some where to pump and than store my breast milk and all that and that is just too much for me. So this upcoming weekend I think my husband is going to take her to the waterpark and than I will take her to a movie or may be mini golf and we can get my MIL to watch her so we can all go together. I just tell myself and Lily this is temporary next summer will be different and she is ok with that. Leah will be 4 months on the 19th 4 months where did the time go?? I think when you have such a gap between children and than you have another one it really makes you cherish the time because they grow up so fast!!! My husband said he wishes time would stand still and she would stay this little forever and so do I. So life is different and different isn't always bad sometimes it's so damn good!!!

She celebrated her first 4th of July while I was at work:((( She had her first real belly laugh that day  and that is the most magical sound a baby laughing!!! We fruitlessly tried to get her to do it again to no avail but we tried. Hannah our dog made her laugh, Hannah of all things!!!

1st 4th of July

Loving her fingers yum yum

Reading Dr Suess the Cat in the Hat she loves looking at the pictures

I survived

My first week back at work. Now I do not work a regular 9-5 I work in an Emergency Room in an inner city. So my schedule consist of 2-12hour shifts and 2-8 hour shifts and every third weekend. There are days I am off during the week which is nice. So my first week back I only did 2-8 hour shifts. My first day I was so high strung and anxious that I forgot pieces to my breastpump that thank God my MIL brought to me at work. Pumping isn't bad they have an old office to use with a computer so I get a nice 15 minutes to relax and I usually watch youtube videos. Now when it came time to do my first 12 hour shift I wanted to cry and almost did I missed my Leah so much. Now what I wasn't prepared for was all the bags I have to luge to work everyday and prepping meals and how much earlier I have to wale up. See before I was more of a get up like an hour before I am due in at work not worry about dinner till I get home. The good thing is how much less money I am spending at  work by preparing a weekly meal plan and packing my lunch.

So my heart still hurts and I miss her but it is what it is and we are all adapting to this new routine. Lenny's first time being with Leah solo was this weekend and they did good together. She was restless and missed her mommy though. He said he gained a new appreciation of what it is to be home with her. She would not take a long nap and just took cat naps so he was exhausted when I got home from work and I worked a 12 hour shift that day!!!!

 The weekend of Father's day we got photos taken  of me,Lenny and the baby. Our photographer told us to wait till her 6 month photo shoot to do Lily and Rye with her if we did it now she would look like a sack of potatoes on the picture.  We went to a mansion on the river it was beautiful. It was a nice Father's day gift for my husband we got a lot of great shoots of us here are some

tick tock

Tick tock goes the clock of my maternity leave coming to an end. We literally just got into a routine and bam now we have to get into another one. The anxious feeling that is stuck in my chest and throat  is sometimes no honestly it is overwhelming. She will be in great hands of my awesome loving mother in law who is like a mother to me. I want to be there. I love being at home yes sometimes it's a little mundane but it's awesome. I love nursing her through out the day and how she now looks up at me. Love her giggles and laughs. Love being here constantly for my girls. Love not looking on a calendar and trying to balance. I have been holding her closer lately not wanting to let go. When I think of leaving  tears fill up my eyes and my heart aches.
   I do no want to miss any moments I want to be there for everything. From Leah  rolling over  to award ceremonies at school. All moms want to be there for everything. When we miss something it makes us feel awful. Like this morning when Lily informed me that her end of the year award ceremony is Thursday but I can't go because I have work and needed to have my day off on Friday because   my MIL can not watch the baby that day. Then I remembered that I am running a uniform sale at school that afternoon and do not have a sitter then remembered I have a teenager living here somewhere so she can watch Leah for a few hours. These are the things that make you want to just stay at home and not go back to work. I constantly hear from other working moms it would be so much easier to stay at home. It just really sucks when you can't plain and simple it sucks.
   So I googled about not wanting to go back to work and all I got was crap like if you turn off cable you can stay at home. Like really if all we had to do was clip so damn coupons and shut off cable to be able to stay at home I would be a clipping maniac but that's not how it really works bottom line. Also article after article kept saying live simple and you can stay at home. Well honey we already live simple. If we live any simpler we will be little house on the prairie!!! I did read an article on how hard it is to get back in the work force though when one wants to go back. So I took in account that I carry the benefits for my family, our needs and wants. Kids just get more expensive as they get older Lily is going to need braces next year $$$ and if she goes to a catholic high school which is where she probably will attend our public school system here is scary that costs money. Mariah  has college in three years and so on. Also we like to camp and take vacations. Lily has sports and other activities that cost money. We need a bigger car but we will not get a car payment though. I have also been at my job for 9 years it is flexible. My husband and I do make decent money but I could not consciously take away half our income. Working part time I couldn't do either because of the health benefits I carry for our family. So it's off  to work I go.  My husband reminded me that we are working to give our kids the best that we can give they them. That they have the opportunities we did not have. Now I am not slamming SAHM or people who chose to live without in order to stay at home it works for them. I wish it could be that easy for my family but it's not. Money isn't everything believe me I know I am a simple person and  know from my own experiences that I would rather have someones time and love than money. I wish I could stay at home and find money for braces, tuition, softball, camps, classes,co pays,electric bill,mortgage and so on. I would love to stay at home for every moment but I can't. My other girls survived and they still do hate when I work so parents no it does not get any better. My 15 year old still asks when I have work and when it's my long day she sighs. I just like to think I am setting  a good example and try to make up for lost moments by being the PTA president and running around like a crazy person through the school year, making cupcakes at 9pm, making their favorite dinners, and so much more. Maybe this time around I will really appreciate the time I do  have with Leah because honestly I did not appreciate it both times before. I was in different places those times in my life and right now I am in the best place I have ever been in my life I am married to a wonderful man who is my best friend and I have a partner this time I am not doing this alone so it's awesome. I can honestly enjoy my baby this time so that is what I think makes me want to stay home this time. I was able to stay home with Lily till she was nine months but it was stressful I was broke and dealing with an alcoholic husband at the time. It was just awful so I wasn't able to really enjoy it.  What I am trying to do is to be engaged meaning no more cell phone when they are home from school and just living in the moment because at the end of the day that's are we are all guaranteed that moment at that time. So relish in it, breathe it in and soak it up.

***I will let you all know how I made out going back to work in my next post****