Heaven

My mom told me when I was a young girl that babies souls come from heaven. That they are up there with all of our loved ones that have already gone to heaven. I believe this, it is a comforting thought. That my precious baby/babies are up there with my dad,brother, and Lenny's dad and many others. That my dad is maybe waiting for the perfect timing to let this soul come to me and Lenny. Timing is everything. Everything happens for a reason wether we like it or not. I take comfort in thinking that the reason I am not pregnant yet has nothing to do with science, eggs,sperm,timing or anything else scientific for that matter. I would rather take solace that my baby's soul is getting molded and loved from up above that my dad just might be having a hard time letting it go that maybe he knows more than me and right now is just not time. So if I get that bfn this cycle I will try not to cry but take comfort in that my dad is holding to a piece of me and a beautiful soul a little bit longer.

Lazy couch potato

Lazy weekend was anxious for dr appt on monday!!! the appt went good cd11 lining 7 two follies 18 and 16??? emEstrogen an 84 so you know what I did started googling the hell out of that. Me and my girls netflix all day saturday while Lenny worked till after midnight!!! Then Sunday me and Lenny relaxed watched greys anatomy girls were in and out all day and I enjoyed some peanut m&m and root beer water ice!!! Try to get motivated to go for a run but couldn't I really need to loae weight but have zero motivation!!! Going to try tomorrow for a run. My best friend is in labor right now and I am so excited . So just another day at work till next time . Oh I lit candles for all my fellow girls going through infertility and for those who just got their bfp!!!

back on the saddle again

Monday went for baseline told dr my concerns about ovulating before iui and that my follie was to big. He listened called me back when my bloodwork came in told me to start femara yesterday for days 5-9 and come in on cd11. I am hoping that I am ready for trigger on min because I am off on wednesday!! That would be awesome!!! So fx for this cycle. oh and I have been saying a prayer to st Gerard and st Gianna. Hopefully that helps!!!! Went for a walk with my best friend who is due in 2weeks hoping to start her labor nothing!!!! Enjoy the weather ladies

IuI fail

Af arrived on the day I was due from my miscarriage in August... I have this poem that I love by Iyanla Vanzant

Yesterday I Cried
I came home, went straight to my room,
sat on the edge of my bed,
kicked off my shoes,
unhooked my bra,
and I had myself a good cry.

I'm telling you,
I cried until my nose was running all over
the silk blouse I got on sale.
I cried until my ears were hot.
I cried until my head was hurting so bad
that I could hardly see the pile of
soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.

I want you to understand,
I had myself a really good cry yesterday.

Yesterday, I cried,
for all the days that I was too busy,
or too tired,
or too mad to cry.

I cried for all the days, and all the ways,
and all the times I had dishonored,
disrespected, and
disconnected my Self from myself,
only to have it reflected back to me
in the ways others did to me
the same things I had already done to myself.

I cried for all the things I had given,
only to have them stolen;
for all the things I had asked for that
had yet to show up;
for all the things I had accomplished,
only to give them away,
to people in circumstances,
which left me feeling empty,
and battered and plain old used.

I cried because there really does
come a time when the only thing left
for you to do is cry.

Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because little boys get
left by their daddies;
and little girls get forgotten by their mommies;
and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave;
and mommies get left, so they get mad.

I cried because I had a little boy,
and because I was a little girl,
and because I was a mommy
who didn't know what to do,
and because I wanted my daddy to be there
for me so badly until I ached.

Yesterday, I cried.
I cried because I hurt.
I cried because I was hurt.
I cried because hurt has no place to go
except deeper into the pain that
caused it in the first place,
and when it gets there,
the hurt wakes you up.

I cried because it was too late.
I cried because it was time.

I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know
that my soul knew everything I needed to know.

I cried a soulful cry yesterday,
and it felt so good.

It felt so very, very bad.

In the midst of my crying,
I felt my freedom coming,
Because Yesterday,
I cried with an agenda.
(unknown)

blah

So I tested this morning and BFN... shocked no,upset no,disappointed,no crying nothing. I think I knew it was going to be a good outcome at my follicle scan from everything I read 25 mm is just to big and that was on thursday so who know what size it was on sat and the other follicle too small. So maybe they will bring me in earlier next time. Also had some spotting in the tp this morning??!!! Just feeling blah today..,