This time it’s so hard

Every time is different. I have become a mom 4 times over and every time has been different in every way. From the birth to the parenting style I had. I am just so tired a tired that sleep wouldn’t even help. My mind is functioning for 6 people now. I have said 1 million times to the 4 year old since the baby has been born please stop squishing your brother and for the love of god stop touching his face!!! I have mothered 3 girls all different. I am a mom boy for the first time. I suffered from the baby blues for the first time and post partum anxiety. I physically and mentally suffered from the birth of this baby. I had given birth 2 times vaginally before and they were both different but this time the pain was something out of this world and recovering afterwards was the hardest. I was sad this time about how the birth went and this being my last. That he has done this choking and gagging thing since birth that has my anxiety level so high that I went out and got a monitor for him for when he is sleeping. That he nursed sometimes all day and my four year old has regressed somewhat. That this winter was long and seemed like it was never ending so cabin fever set in for the 4 year old. That my mind is constantly running and thinking and I can’t shut it off. That it’s 1:30 in the morning and I can’t fall asleep. That at this very moment life is hard. I miss my husband. I want sleep. I am starving all day from nursing. I can’t keep up on the wash. Going grocery shopping is like an Olympic event these days how fast and efficient I can be?!!! Meal planning every week thinking of new meals not incorporating old ones too many times. Did I remember the ingredient for the said new meal? Mothering two teenage girls is hard. They aren’t as vocal as the Little’s so I have to keep my eye out for signs that something maybe wrong and sometimes there is. It’s the hey you look like there is something wrong and the teenager vents her frustrations with whatever friends, school m, or boyfriend I listen and try to listen while nursing the baby or tending to the 4 year old or yelling at the 4 year old. I try to give advice that goes one of 2 ways they either listen and take it or look at me like shut up!!! And did I mention to I have a husband in this house somewhere? He parents just as hard as me and gets pulled in 80 directions throughout the day but reality I run this ship and how we do it works. He is the main chauffeur and Softball attending parent right now that’s 4 times a week. Than he has his mr fix it jobs for the house and he spends extra time with the 4 year old that I can’t. But he can’t lactate so that is my job and it is demanding. Writing this I just realized I didn’t pump yet today damn it!!! I am returning to work in less than 2 weeks and my anxiety is at an all time high. How will baby be without me all day? Will he take the bottle all day or want me? Will everyone pitch in and work together as a family or will I get calls at Work that someone didn’t do something and than that person isn’t going to do what they were asked to do???? How more tired will I be? Will I pump enough? Will the baby settle for my husband? How will we do softball games when I have work? Has anyone seen my husband? If you do tell him I love him and we will look back at this time in our lives as one of the best but right now I could sleep for 24 hours straight!!! Now I go to get to that wash before I have to wash it again!!!