Full circle

My children are literally decades apart from the oldest to the youngest there are nineteen years apart. Every time I birthed my 3 girls I looked into their eyes and whispered I could do this five times over. This time though this was the last time. Oh my god I just admitted that in writing. We got pregnant on a hope and dream. We spent years trying to conceive our third child and we thought we might not get another chance. With me approaching forty this summer we decided last year to start trying never thinkomg we would get pregnant right away but miscarry but than pregnant right away again and stay pregnant. It felt like all summer we held our breaths not really believing this was going to happen. Than I myself have so much anxiety pregnant I really did not enjoy it as much as I should have. We knew it was our last baby and maybe acknowledging that while I was pregnant would of brought too many emotions. I feel like I was born to be a mom and to know that my last pregnancy is my last is heartbreaking and bittersweet. This time I can say that we are done. My pregnancy was the most uncomfortable pregnancy I had endured. I think because I was older and running after a toddler and two teenagers just made it even more exhausting. This suprise baby boy yes a boy after three girls is my last. I actually cried numerous times after I delivered him almost 3 weeks ago my Valentines baby. The thought of never having another child actually takes my breath away and makes my stomach drop into my feet but at the same time I know my heart is full my family is complete. I look back on that naive 20 year old first time Mom and look how far I have come. I have made mistakes second guessed myself been threw a divorce remarried to the love of my life. But I am here still standing do it really shakes me to the core to hold this newborn in my arms and think you are my last sweet boy. I will never again do this newborn season and than I start thinking of all the lasts and seasons I will be doing for the last time. Some I will be glad to be over with others I will try with all my might to hold on. I honestly can’t think of it tooo long or I start bawling my eyes out. I have been a mom for half of my life raising children I can’t even think of what I will do when the last becomes an adult. Will I rejoice or be sad because I have been motherhing so long? I know we never stop being mothers but how do we deal when little hands don’t need you everyday? I guess the only thing to do is really try to soak it in and even when I feel like I can’t keep my eyes open and the two Little’s are crying and both needing me at the same time to know this is a season and with every season it only lasts so long so to enjoy and even hate it on some days but know there are different seasons yet to come.